Suzette Haden Elgin's addition to our Forums would provide an important key to help us understand the verbal side of violence. While we are working on the possibilities of creating a Verbal Self Defense forum, Suzette has graciously consented to allow me to post exerpts from her new Newsletter.
NETWORK QUERIES
1. From Molly NiDana: "I have almost everything you have ever written on the Gentle Art system, and I have worked very hard at incorporating those principles into my behavior over a very long period of time. ... However, I have always had a very difficult time correctly identifying markers of progress. ... So while the long term goal of reducing verbal violence is important to me, I need to find ways to establish much smaller goals, and I need to know when those goals have been met."
I have two suggestions. *(A)* Practice the Gentle Art techniques in role-playing sessions with two other people. The roles are Speaker A, Speaker B, and Coach. Speakers A and B take turns playing through dialogues using the techniques--for example, Speaker A throws out a Verbal Attack Pattern [VAP] and Speaker B responds to the VAP. The Coach observes what happens and provides feedback at the end of each dialogue. Keep changing roles so that everyone has a chance to play them all. You do this to get a firm idea of where your strengths and weaknesses are so that you can set short term goals accurately. For example, you might find that you consistently stumble when you try to come up with Computer Mode responses to VAPs; that would let you set the goal of improving your skill with that mode; the Coach's feedback in later sessions would let you know whether you were meeting that goal. *(B)* Keep a verbal self-defense notebook that lets you establish baseline data and track your progress. You'll find detailed instructions for doing that in the book called *You Can't SAY That To Me!* (as well as some of the others). The basic strategy is this: Choose some hostile interaction pattern (like VAP sessions) and set up a record page for it; make a note each time you're involved in that type of interaction, for several weeks, to get an average figure; choose one or more Gentle Art techniques for dealing with that pattern and begin using them systematically; continue to keep track of how many times per week you're involved in such interactions; if things go properly, you'll see the totals falling. Whether you keep track of the interactions by just making a checkmark on your record page or by writing down all the details is up to you. In my experience, the more information you have, the more improvement you can expect (and the more quickly it will happen); but your decision will depend on how busy you are, your personal work style, and so on.
2. Several people recently have asked me to discuss what looks to them like a verbal attack that the attacker is turning against himself or herself -- as in "You mean you don't know how to [X]? Even *I* know how to do THAT!" It's hard to be precise about this behavior without hearing the actual speaker say the line. However, my opinion is that it represents one of two things. (A) It's a Placating pattern. The "Even *I*..." sequences when used this way are just like the Placater's standard inventory of lines.... "You know me, *I* don't care where we go!" and "What do *I* know?" and so on. It's a sort of "Go ahead, kick me, *I* don't care! No, wait -- I'll kick MYSELF so you won't have to BOTHer !" (B) It's a Blaming pattern, representing intense sarcasm. As in: "You mean you don't know how to play tennis? Even *I* [whom you would expect NOT to know how to play tennis, which just shows how stupid and pathetic YOU are!!] know how to play TENnis!" That is, the intonation and tone of voice is intended to carry the meaning I've summarized in square brackets. In either case, the attacker isn't turning the attack against himself or herself but against the targeted victim.
3. I've had a batch of queries recently that can all be summarized as "How do I force myself to use your verbal self-defense techniques?" (Usually because, they tell me, "Arguing is so much FUN!") The answer is that you can't force yourself to use the techniques; that's not possible. What you *can* do is decide, as a scientist would, that you'll *try* them a time or two to see what happens. When the result turns out to be more fun than fighting, the idea that you need to force yourself will disappear.
THE VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE NEWSLETTER Volume 1, Issue 1 -- January 2000
================================================================= The Verbal Self-Defense Newsletter is written and published every other month by Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. (linguistics), from the Ozark Center for Language Studies. It is available by e-mail only, in plain text, and is free to members of the World Verbal Self-Defense League Network (annual dues, $5.00). For more information send an e-mail to OCLS@ipa.net; a sample issue will be posted at http://www.worldvsdleague.com in January 2000. =================================================================
IN THIS ISSUE: Network Queries; Cyberspace; Quotes & Comments; Touch Dominance; News
[This message has been edited by gmattson (edited January 06, 2000).]
Verbal Self Defense
Moderator: Available
Verbal Self Defense
Y*E*S!
By Virginia Satir's impacted wisdom teeth, yes; get Dr. Elgin on line!
Besides being a wickedly funny songwriter and singer, science-fiction author with an uncanny ear for Ozarkspeak, she is a genuine scholar on the arts of verbal diffusion of tension - and if you cannot see any use in that skill, I submit you may be happier on another Forum.
Her skills are not the self-defense comeback "zingers" of a Don Rickles; hers are the intuitions for defining and neutralizing a verbal attack without escalating the situation.
I am very impressed with this lady and very fond of her works. And I wish she'd start going to Science Fiction Conventions again so that I might meet her. Deborah Tannen got more publicity; Dr. Elgin is the real thing.
student (a self-taught student of Dr. Elgin, but her student nonetheless)
[This message has been edited by student (edited January 06, 2000).]
By Virginia Satir's impacted wisdom teeth, yes; get Dr. Elgin on line!
Besides being a wickedly funny songwriter and singer, science-fiction author with an uncanny ear for Ozarkspeak, she is a genuine scholar on the arts of verbal diffusion of tension - and if you cannot see any use in that skill, I submit you may be happier on another Forum.
Her skills are not the self-defense comeback "zingers" of a Don Rickles; hers are the intuitions for defining and neutralizing a verbal attack without escalating the situation.
I am very impressed with this lady and very fond of her works. And I wish she'd start going to Science Fiction Conventions again so that I might meet her. Deborah Tannen got more publicity; Dr. Elgin is the real thing.
student (a self-taught student of Dr. Elgin, but her student nonetheless)
[This message has been edited by student (edited January 06, 2000).]
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mugaku
Verbal Self Defense
fabulous website! thanks for the link...
whether she joins this set of forums or not her work has been made more visible and accessible by your post...
may a host of good merit land in your lap
mugaku
whether she joins this set of forums or not her work has been made more visible and accessible by your post...
may a host of good merit land in your lap
mugaku
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Bill Glasheen
- Posts: 17299
- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 1999 6:01 am
- Location: Richmond, VA --- Louisville, KY
Verbal Self Defense
Funny...the topic "verbal self defense" reminded me of something an ex-girlfriend once accused me of - engaging in "verbal karate". Now that, student, is a talent that a good attorney should be capable of. But then...I come from a family of debators and extemporaneous speakers. Boy was it entertaining when we got all 8 kids plus parents at the same dinner table. Yikes!
It seems to me - especially from reading what this woman has written - that half of the art of verbal self defense is 1) listening carefully, and 2) avoiding the emotional response and - instead - reducing the dialogue you hear to its literal and hidden content. Often my wife comes to me with frustrating situations involving dialogue, and she is so surprised that it's so easy for me to understand the big picture and suggest a response. Part of it is the fact that I'm not emotionally involved in the situation. And my "buttons" aren't the ones out there being pushed by this verbal attacker.
Very interesting stuff indeed!
- Bill
It seems to me - especially from reading what this woman has written - that half of the art of verbal self defense is 1) listening carefully, and 2) avoiding the emotional response and - instead - reducing the dialogue you hear to its literal and hidden content. Often my wife comes to me with frustrating situations involving dialogue, and she is so surprised that it's so easy for me to understand the big picture and suggest a response. Part of it is the fact that I'm not emotionally involved in the situation. And my "buttons" aren't the ones out there being pushed by this verbal attacker.
Very interesting stuff indeed!
- Bill
Verbal Self Defense
At a dojo that I visit regularly when I travel there is a notice posted about Dr. Elgin's forum. The lady who posts it and promotes it has a big thing about verbal self defense and she gets into a lot of discussions about it. The odd thing is that she herself is one of these righteous people who considers herself 'above the fray' and this comes across clearly in the things that she says. What she considers as 'verbal attacks' are often just responses to her own superiority and so forth. So she is off on a kick to handle verbal attacks and seems to totally miss what's really going on. Don't get me wrong I like the website and its important to be able to handle verbal attacks. But sometimes I've seen that verbal attacks can be a response rather than an attack.
Goldberg
Goldberg
