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It has been discussed many times on this forum the many ways your center/spirit can be taken away from you, how you can become mentally/emotionally unnerved, as well as physically beaten. In this dance of life, sometimes the Great Spirit throws a brick at you to get you to pay attention.

As everyone else has, I've had my share of triumphs and failures … mental, emotional, spiritual, physical highs and lows. The challenge was not to collapse either in the good or bad times.

I've talked before about how your hara/spirit can be snatched from you by words … being interrogated by lawyers for example. I've shared how breathing, sinking into my one point saved me during those times.

With each circle of karate, I've learned there's another layer to "peel off" that keeps one from personal excellence. I've had to examine my hopes and fears and see what blocks & obstacles I've put in my way to keep me from training, growing and learning. As the song goes," it don't come easy."

Well, friends, I have reached a personal dark night of the soul. And it's hard to regain one's center after being caught off guard and knocked down. It's ironic when your world or an era ends in your life, we some how expect something to end or change quietly… when it comes kicking and screaming at our door, we're just not prepared.

It started with my Mom dying recently … not unexpected, but deeply experienced -- especially as I dealt with talking long distance to the medical community about a DNR (her last wishes) only to have it superceded by a over-zealous internist … but that's another story.

Then, I found out that this world is not as safe as I've felt. I've been stalked, abused, and generally victimized because of being in the right place at the wrong time with the wrong person. More than that I dare not say … a case is pending. And, someone IS watching the words we write, the calls we make, and the places we go.

What I ask for now is prayers from those so inclined for an emotional/mental healing. What I ask from black belts and senseis … teach your students well about personal boundaries, listening to your gut, holding your space, and never, never never allow another rank or person in your arena -- in karate, our government, or local authorities -- to hurt or abuse you MENTALLY. The mental, emotional, and spiritual mind-bodies are just as important as the physical body.

I've just returned to training … it's been hard -- my sensei and students know the barest of details … and it's very hard to show you all my face right now. I feel as if I lost part of my soul or spirit in this process. But, anything kept hidden in the shadows does grow stronger.

Train as if your life depended on it ...

Jackie

Jackie...just read your post and was very moved by it.

One thing I have learned over the years is that when I think "nobody knows the troubles I've seen", someone out of the blue will share their personal trials and I get to see what "real" strength is.

I know deep down we all have that inner strength to deal with the personal dark nights of the soul...and so my thoughts are with you.

[This message has been edited by Mary S (edited June 02, 2000).]

Thank you, Mary ...

your thoughts are much appreciated.

Jackie

Jackie, any chance you'll be attending George-sensei's camp in August? I'm finally going to make the trip down from Nova Scotia and would be fantastic to meet you (and of course others) in person and put faces to all the names. :-)

Jackie,
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother as well as the personal trials you are experiencing.
I will not pretend to understand what you are going through ,but offer my best wishes and prayers that your situation will end soon and with favorable results. Take care and don't allow anyone to take away that spirit ,that makes you, you.

Lori M-D

You are in my thoughts and prayers in Richmond. Some day I may ask the same in return.
Regards, Rich

Olsen-san

Thinking good things. Be well.

Hello JAckie,

Although saddened by this post, I am impressed with your resilience, strength, courage, and determination. I will fervently pray for you and know that these prayers will also give me strength. Only last week did my mom find out she is dying of cancer, non-operable. She is 84, and is one tough cookie, but she is now facing the final battle which none of us ever win.

I hope to continue to read about your strenghts in this forum, Jackie, and draw from them.

Jackie:

Stay strong. . . keep the faith. . .

We are pulling for you and sending all kinds of good 'vibs' your way!

George

Mary ... plans are very much up in the air right now due to the complexity of the situation. Hopefully something may change.

Everyone ... Thanks all for your thoughts, wishes and prayers. Thank you for "mirroring back" to me. Sometimes I don't feel very strong or determined ... and I forget. Thanks for the reminders.

Allen ... my heart goes out to you and your family during this time of your Mom's illness. I'm so sorry and pray for you, too, that she not be in pain. Thank you for reaching out during your troubles....

The joys, sorrow, fears, hopes, and pain woven into our tapestry of life are all important tools and helps makes us who we are. In time all the many colors blend and become white once again. (just like the full circle of the white belt which becomes black and becomes white again).

I don't have much family ... thank you all for being there.

In beauty ... Jackie

If I may respectfully disagree, beautiful lady:

you have family.

You may not have a large number of relatives by blood or legalities.

But you have family. And we are among it, aren't we?

Family helps family. Tell us what we can do.

I happen to lead the prayers at my synagogue each Sunday afterenoon and evening. Nothing easier than to put the name of Jackie Olsen in at the appropriate time. And I've been known to pray on other occasion besides when I lead (such as, "Oh God, Not Again!?!"). And my prayers have not always been - shall we say, Orthodox?

I do believe in the types of healings you have mentioned. And I will work on them for you. You have alluded to legal troubles. I am licensed as an attorney only in Kentucky, but if you want to discuss legal, emotional or spiritual matters, my e-mail is notanotherlesson@yahoo.com.

I know what it's like to lose parents. I've lost three. My father died suddenly when I was 13. My mother remarried; she and my stepfather died on the same day in 1993. My pain is not the same as your pain, of course - but I can recognize pain and empathize with those in pain.

Your family is here for you.

Aum.

student

Jackie,

My thoughts are with you... Any help I can offer, just ask.

david

[This message has been edited by david (edited June 05, 2000).]

Jackie,

We've never met, but that will not stop me from sending out some good vibrations to you and yours. Only the best...

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sean

Jackie-san,

Your words have always spoken of a gentle spirit and a special heart within... my thoughts and prayers are with you and at the next sweat lodge the grandfathers will be asked to send some heat and healing to you my karate sister...

Peace,
Lori

Jackie,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jake

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Defeat is worse than death. You have to live with defeat - Seal Team Slogan