Know a good joke?

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Know a good joke?

Postby Dana Sheets » Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:21 pm

So since jokes sometimes offend without meaning to I thought this might be a good home for a thread of our favorite jokes. And remember - brevity is the soul of wit.

I've got two to post.

#1
Q: Do you know what "ha ha, plop" is?


A: It's the sound of someone laughing their head off.


#2
There was once a pirate ship that was about to be boarded by another pirate ship. The Captain called to the first mate "First Mate! Bring me my red shirt!!!" As soon as the Captain put on the shirt he called his men to attack. They all fought bravely that day and won.

The next day 5 more pirate ships came over the horizon. The Captain again called to the First Mate. "First Mate! Bring me my red shirt!!!" And again he called his men to fight and at the end of the day they were victorious.

The First Mate then asked his captain "Why do you ask me to bring you a red shirt when we're about to fight?" The Captain replied "Because if I'm waring the red shirt and I get injured, the men won't see me bleed and they'll still be brave."

The next day 10 pirate ships came over the horizon. After a long pause the Captain shouted out:

"First mate! Bring me by brown pants!!!"
Did you show compassion today?
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Postby -Metablade- » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:12 pm

What did the purple belt say to her sensei, when she
was promoted to brown belt?

San Kyu.
:lol: :lol:
*********************************

You Might Be a Martial Artist If...

* You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
* You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
* You answer your boss "Ussss."
* You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table.
* You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
* You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
* Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.
* When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.
:lol: :lol:

****************************
Martial Arts Terms:
Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy
without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know
how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in
about 20 places.
Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronounciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bo: A stick.
Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.
Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop superhuman strength.
Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during
training.
Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium.
Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.
Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.
Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the
samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting
art developed around the principle of "look how big
mine is".
Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu: A lot like judo expect that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth."
Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural
products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.
Katana: A sharp metal stick.
Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.
Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained
advanced rank after long years of study or has started
his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least
4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master
by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.
Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas.
Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.
Tae kwon do: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together.
Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so
:lol: :lol: :lol:

****************************************
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back.

The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer.

About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again.

The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar.

About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor.

The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''

:lol:

*************************************************
Uechi Cat:

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic431.htm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
There's a bit of Metablade in all of us.
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Postby Kevin Mackie » Thu Nov 24, 2005 1:26 am

There was a very old very distraught man sitting on a park bench crying. A younger man approached and asked "Why are you crying, old timer?"

The old man replied " I'm married to a beautiful 25 year old brunette who gets up every morning and makes me a fabulous breakfast and then makes love to me all morning"

And after she serves me my favorite lunch, we make love again like you read about."

And at night after she prepares me a meal fit for a king , she ravages me again until I fall into a blissful sleep."

The young man is astounded and relies with surprise, "My God man, with a life like that, how could you possibly be sitting here crying".

To which the old man replied " I've forgotten where I live."
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Postby MikeK » Thu Nov 24, 2005 2:01 am

I was dreaming of the past...
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Note from son...

Postby gmattson » Thu Nov 24, 2005 2:04 am

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD"

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I, AM.


SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!


DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, JOHN


P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.


I LOVE YOU!

PS . CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME
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Re: Note from son...

Postby -Metablade- » Mon Nov 28, 2005 2:42 am

gmattson wrote:PS . CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME



.....And little Johnny was NEVER seen again....
There's a bit of Metablade in all of us.
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Here you go Dana... Punny stuff!

Postby Panther » Mon Nov 28, 2005 3:26 am

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,"says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because" he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan.."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him a...
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!
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With apologies to Woody Allen

Postby Norm Abrahamson » Mon Nov 28, 2005 7:04 pm

A man walks into a bar with his wife and orders a beer for himself and some popcorn for his wife. He spreads the popcorn on the bar and his wife pecks at it and clucks. The bartender asks, “Hey pal, what’s this about?” The man replies, “My poor wife thinks she’s a chicken.” The bartender said, “Gee, that’s terrible. Why don’t you get her some counseling?” He answered, “I would, but I need the eggs.”
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From Susan....

Postby gmattson » Sun Dec 04, 2005 2:34 pm

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture take, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

==========================

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. -Sir Winston Churchill-
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Two hunter...

Postby ljr » Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:04 pm

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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