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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 1998 4:17 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
**************************************
A seventy-eight-year-old guy is crying in a bar, so the bartender approaches him and asks what's wrong. The old man answers, "I just got married to a twenty- five year old woman." The bartender nods his head, saying, "Don't worry, it may seem that you don't have a lot in common, but maybe this is an opportunity for each of you to grow!" The old man shakes his head, saying, "No, that's not the problem! We have everything in
common! She's smart, funny, and wonderful to be around." The bartender looks at the man confused, then says, "So you're worried she just married you for your money, then?" The old man says, "No -- she's an heiress! She has twice the money I do."

The bartender is even more confused now. "Is it a sex problem? I know a great urologist." The old man just shakes his head and howls, "No, no. We make love morning, noon and night." The bartender gives him a look of bewilderment and says, "It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"
*********************************************
This guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. The bartender tells him, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender nods and pours the drinks for him as requested. This goes on every day for several months. Then one day, the guy orders two shots. The bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. "Is everything all right?" the bartender asked. "What do you mean?" the guy asks. "Well," the bartender says, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No," the guy replies. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 1998 4:18 pm 
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With no disrespect to Blondes!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint
left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 1998 6:41 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for living.
Timmy stood up and said,
"My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said,
"My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said,
"My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,....I'm a corporate attorney, but how I'm I supposed to
explain that to a seven year old???"


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 1998 6:42 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
Want to find out what will happen to your computer when the year 2000 arrives? Click here: http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/mil_bug.gif


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 1998 8:47 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
This is a funny but true story about Neil Armstrong:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the ladder, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
smiled. Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.

His neighbor's were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 1998 8:16 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

· One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

· The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

· The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

· The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

· The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

· The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

· The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes
are low and it is not raining.

· The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

· The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 1998 7:29 pm 
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road??

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical enevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares? Why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 1998 6:05 pm 
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Location: Boca Raton, FL
It's all your fault, Jackie!!

I'm trying to regain my composure while people are banging on my office door to see if I'm ok. I knew I shouldn't have read this thread during lunch. Does anybody know how to get Diet Coke out of a keyboard???

DAMN CHICKENS!!!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 1998 12:31 am 
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Sorry, 'bout that, Moe... may be you oughta get one of those plastic things that cover your keyboard! I hear Diet Coke won't gunk up or stain because there's no sugar. I spilled Diet Coke on my adding machine once. The keys worked fine, but you couldn't get the same answer twice!!

jao


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 10, 1998 10:25 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver
says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day has been the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I arrive late at my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I left the building for my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards just as the cab driver drives away. When I get inside my
home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I instantly leave and come to this bar. Just as I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 10, 1998 10:28 pm 
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Location: Mount Dora, Florida
Words From Women

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
--- Erica Jong

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
--- Wendy Liebman

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
--- Dolly Parton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
--- Roseanne

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
--- Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore I'm single.
-- Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
--- Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised
woman.
--- Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
--- Margaret Thatcher

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to
marry.
--- Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just
visit now and then.
--- Katharine Hepburn

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
--- Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
--- Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 1998 12:13 am 
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Location: Long Island
Here's some good ones a friend of mine e-mailed me

Not the sharpest tool in the shed"

It's hard to believe certain people survive to adulthood !!!

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.


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