I Want My Two Dollars!

Share your best jokes. (I'll have to make Susan the moderator of this one!)

I Want My Two Dollars!

Postby -Metablade- » Tue Mar 07, 2006 6:44 pm

I Want My Two Dollars!

On my way home from work last week, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. You'd think that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me...


Meta: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
Meta: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
Meta: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and...

IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.''

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.''
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''

He comes back to me and says

IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
Meta: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills?!... Why?''
IT: ``I...I...don't know.''
Meta: ``See here, (points to bill) where it says: LEGAL TENDER?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
Meta: ``So....(rolls eyes around in mock disbelief)...shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''

Then he goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift those little packets of hot sauce, and...

IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.''
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''

The bulbous manager approaches me and says...

MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
Meta: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
Meta: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
Meta: ``Um...(more eye rolling) No. really. tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
Meta: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
Meta: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
Meta: ``Fine! go ahead! call them!''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
Meta: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
Meta: Now I was pissed....``No, that's Burger King, isn't it!?''

At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in with the phony cop uniform and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' (incredulous)
MG: ``I don't know? ....He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''

Security guard walks over to me and says...

SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
Meta: ``Uh,...no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
Meta: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''

At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE!!!,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said:

Meta: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. :lol: He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

End Result: My burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.

There's a bit of Metablade in all of us.
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Postby W.J.C. » Thu Oct 05, 2006 5:25 am

This is like the best story ever!

Everytime I want to laugh I always return to read it.
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A "keeper" for sure Meta....

Postby gmattson » Thu Oct 05, 2006 11:44 am

Almost inspires me to add a "laugh a little..Live longer" category to our "library" section! :)
"Do or do not. there is no try!"
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Great one... just had to tell you...

Postby Panther » Tue Oct 10, 2006 6:10 pm

Last weekend we had to go out of town. We stopped into this little place in New York because even though I didn't need gas, I had drunk a little too much water that needed to... well, you get the idea. Anyway, that's the only reason I pulled off that particular exit and ended up driving another 4 miles or so down the road to this little shop.

Now, I know how annoying it is for someone to just come in and use the restroom without buying anything, so I pick up some bottles of water and some crackers and head to the checkout. I pull out the ole debit card and... they don't take them. Only other thing I have is $100 bill, so I give her that. She calls the manager over and he dutifully puts a big mark across it with one of those "see if it's fake" pens, holds it under a little light by the register and says, "It's OK." (All that technology and care, but they don't take debit or credit cards. :roll: ) So, the young girl rings up my stuff and starts counting out change. For about $6 worth of stuff being paid for with a $100 bill, she hands me about $134 in change! I look at it and say to her, "Miss, you gave me the wrong change, here..." Whereupon she interrupts me by yelling back to the manager. He comes back out from whatever he's doing in the backroom (I shutter to think... 8O ) And she says that I'm trying to say that she short changed me. I tell the manager, "No, I'm not, she gave me the wrong change and gave me too..." Whereupon the manager gets upset with me and says, "We're honest people here and I don't like your attitude! We don't rip-off nobody here!"

I debated for a couple of seconds on whether to just walk out with my windfall, but I couldn't do it. So, I ended up just putting the extra $40 on the counter and told them that if their cash came up short at the end of the day, there it was, if not, consider it a tip.


Just because I couldn't wait until the next rest area! :wink:
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Blame it on computers..

Postby gmattson » Tue Oct 10, 2006 9:55 pm

Susan is famous for deliberately handing cashiers odd change after they ring in the amount of the bill, cash given by customer and change to give customer tally. I know she doesn't do it deliberately, but usually, it takes her awhile to find the change in her humongous pocketbook. Anyway, it drives most cashiers crazy, trying to figure out what change she should receive after seven cents is added to the total amount customer gives cashier.

We've seen cashiers void out the transaction and start all over again!

The old "flimflam" artists must have a ball with these kids.
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Postby f.Channell » Wed Oct 18, 2006 1:53 am


To quote Harry Chapin.

[i]And she handed me twenty dollars,
For a two fifty fare, she said
"Harry, keep the change."
Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,
But another man never would have let her go...
I stashed the bill in my shirt.[/i]

Sums up what I would have done.
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