Dads and Daughters

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Allen M.

Dads and Daughters

Post by Allen M. »

-- Rules for Dating My Daughter

Mine is married now, with children of her own. But I smiled when I read this today. Do you know where your daughter is tonight?


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: YOU may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws, are not okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.



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Allen, New website http://www.ury2k.com/pulse/index.htm mirror: http://home.ici.net/~uechi/
Elizabeth
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed May 19, 1999 6:01 am
Location: USA

Dads and Daughters

Post by Elizabeth »

Cute!
It sounds a lot like the stuff my mother says! I'll have to make sure she dosen't read it! I wouldn't want her to get anymore crazy ideas.
~Elizabeth~
Allen M.

Dads and Daughters

Post by Allen M. »

When my grandmother was alive, she would let us know that she had to be chaperoned on every single date by one of her brothers, even when she was engaged to grandpa.

I sometimes wonder if grandpa ever gave his future brothers-in-law a dime to go to the movies or just get lost.

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Allen, New website http://www.ury2k.com/pulse/index.htm mirror: http://home.ici.net/~uechi/
Gilbert MacIntyre
Posts: 191
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2000 6:01 am
Location: Sydney, NS, Canada

Dads and Daughters

Post by Gilbert MacIntyre »

I had alot of fun when my son was going through his late teen-age years, teasing my wife about what was going on downstairs. You know, guys know guys.

Now my daughters are entering their teenage years, and my wife tells me she going to pay me back big time. Still some years before the boyfriends get to come by the house though.

I told my wife a story about when I was young. You see we had a place in the country and when we first cleared the land and set up house it was still pretty private. Just us and the crows, seemed like millions of crows. And crows, not knowing our life style, like to wake early and scream for a few hours. Well my father, being the woodsman he was, told me "son in the morning we get up early and we'll need the shotgun".

The next morning we get up early and sure enough my father killed a crow, yes just one. You see something else my father knew was if you impale a dead crow in the field, the other crows won't come around. Ture? I don't know, I was young, but I seem to remember it worked.

Anyway, here's the deal, the first boy over the threshold, I kill and impale out in the front yard. After that I'm sure things will quite down.
Allen M.

Dads and Daughters

Post by Allen M. »

I have only boys left at home, but I make it a habit to meet parents of the girls whom they spend a lot of time with, or just spend some time talking with the girls themselves. I insist my boys bring home friends and dates; and even put up with loud rock and blacklights to keep em off the street.

From this small sampling, two primary thoughts are tenacious: 1) A lot of parents are space cadets when it comes to knowing about the lives of their teens, and 2) the kids know it.

Now, Gilbert, I must teach mine how to watch out for descendants of crow farmers.


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Allen, New website http://www.ury2k.com/pulse/index.htm mirror: http://home.ici.net/~uechi/
student
Posts: 1062
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 1999 6:01 am

Dads and Daughters

Post by student »

Possibly satisying, but likely to get you talked about....
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