Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

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Rick Wilson

Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by Rick Wilson »

Open Your eyes and Be Aware

Compiled

By

Rick Wilson


Acknowledgment and STRONG Recommendation

The section entitle "Open Your Eyes and Be Aware" is a summation of information taken from two sources:

The Gift Of Fear (Survival Signs That Protect Us From Violence)
Protecting The Gift (Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe)

Both these books were written by Gavin DeBecker an expert in the field of predicting violence. It is my opinion that everyone interested in personal safety MUST read The Gift of Fear. It is my opinion that all parents, teenagers, and those truly interested in total personal safety MUST read Protecting the Gift.

The information provided here from those books is merely to wet your appetite to know more. It is not intended to replace a thorough reading of the material.

While my thoughts are also interspersed throughout, I give total credit of this section to Mr. DeBecker and thank him for sharing his work and experience with the world.


BUY THE BOOKS AND READ THEM!


Awareness vs. Paranoia:


· The first line of defense is to stay aware of where you are and what dangers might realistically exist.

· The awareness we are going to deal with covers how you walk through life and view potential dangers. It will open your eyes to how perpetrators get past normal diligent people's "defenses".

· Understand that awareness is not paranoia. Paranoia deals with being concerned about unrealistic fears.

· Awareness simply puts you on yellow alert at the appropriate times, and moves you to red alert when required.

· If you are aware then you limit the chance of some one slipping passed your defenses and placing you in a position of danger.

Intuition:

· Intuition is that inner guiding force that everyone has. In human beings part of that inner guiding force is the survival instinct.

· How do we know that you have it? Because you are here today. Your ancestors had to survive throughout time for you to be here. They had to use their survival instincts to live.

· Everyone has survival instincts. The problem is that in a "civilized" world we would like to believe that they are unnecessary and often we ignore them. You must first learn to pay attention and not ignore your instincts. While instincts are not perfect they are more often right than wrong.

Two vital points:


1) Instinct is always in response to something. (Even if your conscious mind is not aware of what is setting it off).
2) Intuition always has your best interest at heart.


· The bottom line is that you should always listen to your intuition. So how does intuition contact you?

Major Warning Signs Given by Intuition:


1) Fear
2) Apprehension
3) Humour (particularly dark humour).

Other Messengers of Intuition:

(Listed from minor to major signals)

- Nagging feelings
- Persistent thoughts
- Wondering
- Curiosity
- Hunches
- Gut Feelings
- Doubt
- Hesitation
- Anxiety
- Humour
- Apprehension
- Fear

· All of the above are used by your intuition to contact your conscious mind. Your intuition has picked up on subtle signs or discrepancies in the situation and it has put it all together to determine that something is not right. The signs above are meant to alert you to the danger in the situation and demand that you give everything a second look.

Never ignore your intuition.


Privacy and Control (P&C):


"Dangerous men are dangerous if they can get you somewhere they have privacy and control."


Privacy = Isolation or concealment.
Control = Where one person is persuaded or compelled to be directed by another person.


¨ The perpetrator will try to get you in a place where there is nobody nearby who will hear you if you resist loudly or call for help. Depending on the relationship of control they have developed this may even be your own room with others in the house.

¨ The perpetrator will get you in a frame of mind where you do not resist loudly or call for help. This can be done in different ways.

¨ If you end up in a situation where a person has P&C over you, then you must evaluate how the man got P&C:

* Was it by chance or unintended circumstance?
* Was it by design?


· You can start to exert Control by stating Clearly and Forcefully that you do not want to continue to the area where they would have Privacy.

· Clearly and Forcefully take control. "I am not going upstairs with you."

· Control is obtain usually through either force or persuasion. The next segment will deal with how the perpetrator will use devious means to persuade you to give them Privacy. The other sections of this course will help deal with the use of force.

Ways used to get by your defenses to gain P & C:


¨ Perpetrators of violence and assaults are predators. Just like in nature all predators have ways by which they trap their prey, or rather, how they gain PRIVACY AND CONTROL.

Here are a number of ways that human predators get passed your defenses:


1) Forced Teaming:

The perpetrator groups you in with him, or links you and your situation to him.

"We're in the same boat."
"Both of us."
"How are we going to handle this?"


RESPONSE:

· Be Clear and Forceful in your refusal, but calm and direct. Do not be ambiguous, leave no room for negotiation:

"I did not ask for your help and I do not want it."
"There is no we."


2) Charm and Niceness:

¨ Charm is an ability and an action.

¨ It is not "he is charming" it is "he is trying to charm me" or "I am being charmed."

¨ Understand that charm is not an attribute of character but an action of persuasion.


RESPONSE:

· Be aware that the person is trying to persuade you, when you still do not go along with what they want be Clear and Forceful in your refusal.

3) Too Many Details:

"When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support of the details."

¨ When people lie they give more details so that you will find the lie credible.

¨ If someone has the right to be in an apartment building they rarely feel the need to provide all the details about their aunt being on holidays and they have to come over every two days to feed the cat and water the plants etc.


RESPONSE:

· Stay focused on the situation and context of what is happening.

· Do not get distracted by all the clutter of details he is throwing at you.

· If a man is a stranger then no amount of information he gives about himself is going to change that.


4) Typecasting:

"You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me."

"You're too afraid to talk to real men."

¨ Typecasting usually involves a slight insult but an insult that is easy to refute.

¨ By refuting the insult (proving that you are not too snobbish or afraid to talk to him), the perpetrator/predator has gotten inside your protective barriers.


RESPONSE:

· Ignore the insult.

· Do not refute it or engage the perpetrator in any conversation.

· If your intuition and instincts are telling you to stay clear of this guy then do not be fooled into talking to him.


5) Loan Sharking:

¨ The perpetrator has done something for you so they imply you owe them something in return.

¨ You are somehow now in their debt.


RESPONSE:

· You owe them NOTHING!

· They chose to pick up that fallen bag, you did not ask them to and even if you did you owe them NOTHING!


6) The Unsolicited Promise:

"I'll just set these bags in the kitchen and then I'll go, I promise."

"As soon as I call the tow truck I'll leave, I promise."

¨ Promises are used to convince someone of our intent.

¨ Promises are used to gain our trust.

¨ Promises are used to convince you of something because the person is willing to back it up by "giving their word."

¨ They do this to get you to believe them because you have NO reason to believe them.


RESPONSE:

Be Clear and Forceful and Direct.

"You promise because I do not have any other reason to believe or trust you and you are right - I have no reason to trust or believe you. YOU CANNOT COME IN."


7) Discounting the word NO:

To me this is the most dangerous one of them all

"No is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you."


¨ The worst response is to give in. The next is to negotiate: "Let me try it myself first."


IF THEY DO NOT HEAR NO NOW THEY WILL NOT HEAR NO LATER!


RESPONSE:

· Be Clear and Forceful and Direct.


"I don't want your help!"

"I said NO!"


· If you do need help it is better to pick a person yourself and preferably pick a woman.

· Always remember that NO is a complete sentence.


These are just seven of the ways that perpetrators use to get by your nature instincts of safety.


Warnings Signs in relationships:

A great part of personal safety is operating through life to avoid being placed in dangerous situations. Stay away from dangerous people and dangerous situations. So how can you tell that a person might turn into a problem relationship and even a dangerous one? We once again turn to Mr. DeBecker:

Warning Signs:

* Intuition - feelings of unease.
* The man pushes the relationship forward too fast.
* He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying and violence.
* He is verbally abusive.
* He uses threats to control.
* He hits things when he is mad.
* He uses drugs or alcohol with adverse effects.
* He has a criminal record.
* Control, control, control, by any means (often by controlling the money).
* Jealousy is not a compliment it often a sign of control.
* He keeps you on a tight leash.
* He refuses to accept rejection.
* He talks about the relationship going on forever and ever.
* He minimizes instances of abuse.
* He places his identity with the relationship.
* He tries to enlist your friends to keep you in the relationship.
* Paranoia.
* He resists change, is inflexible, and unwilling to compromise.
* He compares himself to violent people in movies or history.
* He has mood swings.
* He will not accept responsibility for his actions, he always blames others.
* He considers power, control and revenge to be weapons.
* He collects weapons.
* He had a violent childhood.
* You fear he will be violent.

Please note that marrying the guy or having children will neither change nor improve him!

· The warning signs are indicators that there will be problems and possible violence. People with these characteristics should be avoided.

Dating and Breaking up:


· So you didn't pick up on the signs or ignored them and now you need out. One of the most common comments when the breakup goes bad is: "I was trying to let him down easy."

· The danger comes in the form of an unwanted pursuit by someone you know.

· The cultural problem we have is the entertainment industry. Movies, TV, Books all glorify the person who never gives up going after the girl. The message this gives is the PERSISTENCE gets the girl. PERSISTENCE proves caring and love.

WRONG! Persistence only proves persistence.

· Remember our previous lessons about the person who cannot hear NO. This is a danger sign.

· Also remember the lesson that NO is a complete sentence it does NOT require and explanation and no explanation is owed to anyone.

· By not being Clear, Forceful and Definite you leave open the door for negotiation.

· To the man raised on persistence gets the girl:


Maybe = not yet
Hmm = give it time
I'm not sure = keep trying


· NO - Say it, mean it and there is no need to repeat it.


· NEVER explain why you need to break up because this opens the door for negotiations - I'll change, it will be different this time.

When the persistent man tries to contact you, remember that the only way to stop the contact is to STOP CONTACT. Any contact is a conversation. Any conversation is a chance to make things right. Any chance to make things right is a chance to get back together.

If he leaves twenty messages for you to have one more chance to talk and you call him back to say (again) that it is over then all you have taught him is it takes twenty messages to get to talk to you.

Mr. DeBecker's book Gift of Fear goes into how to handle a person who will not give up. Once again READ IT.


Use of Senses:


Hearing:

You see it all the time. Women and teenagers who willingly give up one of their senses. They go jogging along with their hearing cut off by head phones. Not only have they cut off this sense but they have done it in a manner that announces the fact to anyone who takes the time to look at them.

Find some other way to stay entertained while jogging or walking but keep your ears open and alert.

Sight:


Use it. If you think that someone might be following you, don't do what most people do. Do not glance around just a little bite so as not to embarrass yourself or the guy following you.

"Turn completely around, take in everything and look squarely at someone who concerns you."


The Message Delivered by this Method:


· Gives you the information you need and everyone watching knows that.

· States clearly that you are not a tentative frightened victim-in-waiting.

· Shows the perpetrator that you have seen him.




The bottom line is that you were given all your senses to help you survive, make use of them.


Why Teenagers are at more risk

Teenagers, especially girls, are the most victimized segment of our population (and at the same time, the least likely to report a crime).


Why?


* Teenagers often offer less resistance.

* Teenagers pose less risk than adult women.

* Teenage girls are perceived as sexual objects, prohibited perhaps, but sexual nonetheless.

* Teenagers see fearlessness as a form of maturity.

* Male attention is new, exciting (being "checked out" is a compliment).

* Teenagers are often looking for acceptance.

* Teenagers lack many life experiences.

As a teenager you need to know that there are those who think it easier to get passed your personal defenses - PROVE THEM WRONG.


Specific dangers:


Rohypnol


Rohypnol is a drug that goes by many names but the one that describes it best is:

"The Date Rape Drug"

¨ This drug is tasteless, odorless, dissolves completely into a drink.

¨ This drug incapacitates for hours whoever ingests it.

¨ This drug makes you dizzy and disoriented and to all around you look drunk.

¨ This drug also erases your memory so there is a disturbing knowledge in the back of your mind that someone has had sex with your body but you can't bring it into focus.

¨ While you are looking drunk and helpless a kind sole shows up to help you out and see that you get home safe. They will look after you (rape you).


RESPONSE:

· Be very cautious about accepting drinks.

· Watch your drink carefully so that no one can pour anything into it.

· Do not leave your drink alone (e.g. to go dancing). Take it with you.


This is an insidious drug. The only way to make sure it is not used on you is to know completely what is in the glass you are drinking from.


The Internet


For some reason many who log onto the Internet feel that none of the normal personal safety rules apply?

People all of a sudden assume that every word posted by this STRANGER is the absolute truth.

Why? You have less knowledge going for you than if the person is in front of you. You have no idea who or what they are other than what they have chosen to post.

Many perpetrators are finding new victims via the Internet.


RESPONSE:


· Make use of all the same rules listed in Section One.

· Don't put anything on the web you would not want to see on the front page of the newspaper.

· Don't give out personal information.

· If your intuition is telling you this is creepy then LISTEN!

· Watch out for the ways they get Privacy & Control.

· Do not meet where they have Privacy & Control.


Conclusion


"Men whose acts are at direct variance with their words command no respect, and what they say has but little weight."

Samuel Smiles 1859


· What people say is often only said to gain what they want. Actions speak louder than words. Someone who is telling you they love you but is hurting does not love you. It doesn't matter what they say because they are not living by their words.


Follow this simple rule:

Open Your eyes and Be Aware


[This message has been edited by Rick Wilson (edited September 12, 2000).]
david
Posts: 2077
Joined: Thu Sep 17, 1998 6:01 am
Location: Boston, MA

Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by david »

Rick, another good one putting it together.

I was emailed this link: http://www.fastcompany.com/online/38/klein.html

A good read on how intuition plays in real life and death scenarios.

david
Rick Wilson

Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by Rick Wilson »

Thanks, David.
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Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by Panther »

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Warnings Signs in relationships:

So how can you tell that a person might turn into a problem relationship and even a dangerous one? We once again turn to Mr. DeBecker:

Warning Signs:

* Intuition - feelings of unease.
* The man pushes the relationship forward too fast.
* He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying and violence.
* He is verbally abusive.
* He uses threats to control.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So far, I'm in agreement...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
* He hits things when he is mad.
This depends on what and how the anger is released. I know a number of folks (men and women) who've been known to release their anger on a heavy-bag, makiwara, or in some similar way... I've put some pent-up frustration and energy into more than one heavy-bag in my life... Doesn't make me abusive. If I were to hit a person, that's be compeltely different.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>* He uses drugs or alcohol with adverse effects.
* He has a criminal record.
* Control, control, control, by any means (often by controlling the money).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Agree with these...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
* Jealousy is not a compliment it often a sign of control.
I don't think jealousy is a compliment, but I don't think it's necessarily controlling either.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>* He keeps you on a tight leash.
* He refuses to accept rejection.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yep...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
* He talks about the relationship going on forever and ever.
What's wrong with this? What about things like "being soulmates" and "'til death do us part" (forgetting how morbid that sounds out of context... heck, even in context! It's a sentiment...)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>* He minimizes instances of abuse.
* He places his identity with the relationship.
* He tries to enlist your friends to keep you in the relationship.
* Paranoia.
* He resists change, is inflexible, and unwilling to compromise.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Can see these, but can also see that they could be very subjective...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
* He compares himself to violent people in movies or history.
Guess everyone here should be careful about imitating those martial arts moves you see in the latest chop-socky flick! Sheesh! Image

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>* He has mood swings.
* He will not accept responsibility for his actions, he always blames others.
* He considers power, control and revenge to be weapons.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I can see those...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
* He collects weapons.
Oops... Completely disagree with that! I know some of the nicest folks in the world (both men and women) that collect weapons of various types. Also, better watch out collecting the samurai sword, bo staff, cane, nunchaku, arnis, kama, sai, ... heck, the list goes on and on! Guess if you're a martial artist into kobudo, you're a risk of being the abuser in a relationship?!?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>* He had a violent childhood.
* You fear he will be violent.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

These two are pretty insidious... While statistically abusers do come from abusive childhoods, there are also plenty of people who were abused as children and grown up to break that cycle. Also, Your fear of me being violent does not equate to my actually being violent.
Rick Wilson

Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by Rick Wilson »

Ah Panther my friend, when presenting this material there is always additional verbal stuff that I should incorporate into the written material.

First and foremost is Mr. DeBecker's focus (and noted by yourself) is CONTEXT.

Everything must be placed in context. Hitting a heavy bag VS putting a fist through a wall. A martial artist who collects weapons (me) VS the guy who thinks the spikes and razors he has in the basement under his bed are really cool killing things.

Context is always important and comes into play for most of the warning signs. The warning sign you pointed out: " He talks about the relationship going on forever and ever." Is an excellent one. Not inappropriate in the right context.

Example page 106 The Gift of Fear:

"As I walked with you yesterday, the sheer grace of your body thrilled me. Your beauty gives me a starting point for appreciating all other beauty, in a flower or a stream. I sometimes cannot tell where you let off and the beauty in nature begins, and all I want is to feel your body and share my love with you"

A love letter. Is it a problem? Well, it was written by a fifty year old man to a ten year old girl = CONTEXT. So your point about context is correct.

The second thing is that some of these on their own may not lead to trouble if none of the others are displayed.


Two points, however, where I disagree:

1) A big one:

" Also, Your fear of me being violent does not equate to my actually being violent."

Mr. DeBecker's book (which I believe in) is centred around trusting your inner survival instincts. Why does the woman fear the guy will be violent? Because her inner survival sense is picking up signals that are warning her there is a good chance he will be. While instinct is not always right, it always has your interest at heart.

I repeat, if the woman fear the man will be violent it is because he is giving off something that is warning her! Maybe the wrong situation just hasn't come up yet.

2) " Jealousy is not a compliment it often a sign of control. -- I don't think jealousy is a compliment, but I don't think it's necessarily controlling either"

What is the desired result of an expression of jealousy?

An old boyfriend calls and the new one flips out "demanding she not speak to the old boyfriend again."

The man gets jealous and upset at what the woman wants to wear. What does he want? Her NOT to wear it.

Most expressions of jealousy desire that the outcome is a change in behaviour of the other party. = Control


As always, your comments will improve my material. Thank you.


Rick
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Open Your eyes and Be Aware (for Lori)

Post by Panther »

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick Wilson:

Two points, however, where I disagree:

1) A big one:

" Also, Your fear of me being violent does not equate to my actually being violent."

Mr. DeBecker's book (which I believe in) is centred around trusting your inner survival instincts. Why does the woman fear the guy will be violent? Because her inner survival sense is picking up signals that are warning her there is a good chance he will be. While instinct is not always right, it always has your interest at heart.

I repeat, if the woman fear the man will be violent it is because he is giving off something that is warning her! Maybe the wrong situation just hasn't come up yet.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I didn't and don't dispute the inner warning system. I also think that if a woman feels that way, then she needs to honestly assess the situation, look for why she feels that way, and if needed remove herself from the situation immediately! No doubt about it...

Having said that, I will tell you why I made and stand by my comment. I know a woman who constantly told her husband that she was afraid of him and his violent tendencies... No one that knows this guy could understand why she said that... As it turned out, here's where it came from: 1) He would get upset and yell about things sometimes... not at her, it was his way to "vent" frustration when working on something and it wasn't going right or if work was causing too much stress he'd go out behind the house and chop firewood and yell at the firewood... 2) She had a friend (when younger, before she met her husband), who had been abused by a boyfriend, 3) (the most important IMNSHO) she had been abused as a child by her parents.

After lots of encouragement, the sought councelling and the therapist noted that many (including the therapist herself) would consider the yelling as abusive behaviour. But after months and months of councelling, the guy told me that the woman was told that she needed to seek individual help because she was blowing things out of proportion to reality... That is where my comment came from and why I stand by it. Someone else's fear of my being violent doesn't (necessarily) equate to my actually becoming violent.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>2) " Jealousy is not a compliment it often a sign of control. -- I don't think jealousy is a compliment, but I don't think it's necessarily controlling either"

What is the desired result of an expression of jealousy?

An old boyfriend calls and the new one flips out "demanding she not speak to the old boyfriend again."

The man gets jealous and upset at what the woman wants to wear. What does he want? Her NOT to wear it.

Most expressions of jealousy desire that the outcome is a change in behaviour of the other party. = Control<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I can tell you that I would ask, not "flip out and demand", that my wife not see an old boyfriend. Yes, I'd be jealous... especially if she chose to ignore my request. Yes, it would be my desire for certain behaviour... However, it would only be controlling if I were to make it a "demand" as you state. I can be (and have been Image ) jealous without being controlling... In youth and immaturity, I was controlling in that jealousy, but I've realized that if someone you are close too choses to take an action that is inconsiderate of your feelings, that there is nothing that you are going to do about it beyond telling them that they have hurt or ignored your feelings. Naturally, in order for them to know this in advance, you have to tell them in advance... is that an expression of jealousy? I think it probably is... I'd feel like I was being intellectually dishonest to try and say otherwise. But that doesn't make it controlling. And while it isn't a compliment, it would be my honest feelings given that situation... and one thing I try to be with my spouse, above all else, is completely honest.

I have said something about what my wife was going to wear before... And the first reaction was that I was being jealous and controlling... That reaction changed when I pointed out that she could certainly wear anything she wanted, but that 1) she was asking for others to think of her in a certain way (that she wouldn't like) if she made that choice and that 2) these are the specific problems/reasons for my saying what I said about the outfit in question... As it turned out, she didn't realize when she purchased the outfit that there were certain "problems" with it... and subsequently started asking me (and/or being more aware herself) about certain fabric attributes and garment tailoring. It was simply a case of her not realizing the problem with the garment. OTOH, if I were to have said, "you can NOT wear that!"... that would have been controlling. As it was, I said, "I like the way you look in that, but I'm not really comfortable with others getting such and intimate knowledge." Even that, got me the "you're jealous and controlling" response. Fortuantely, I was able to step back and say, "go ahead, but heres' the problems..."

Jealous... yep. Image
Controlling... don't mean to be. Image
Informing... yep. (I've found that the only way to let someone else know what you are thinking and feeling is to tell them... as much as we all might want to be, we're not capable of mind-reading.) Image

IMHO, just as in the other examples, jealousy and anger must be viewed in context. (don't misunderstand... IMNSHO, there is never an excuse to strike a woman in anger. (The reason that is worded that way, is because I will defend myself no matter what gender the attacker.)
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