Kansas is the Best State

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Kansas is the Best State

Postby Andrew Evans » Tue Jan 27, 2004 9:42 pm

Please tell us why your state is the best. Here's mine for Kansas:

Some Hints for Tourists Visiting the Land of Ahhs (Oz)

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Cheryl's Café. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Hays, Chase, Ottawa, Oswego, Rossville, Waukeeney, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6. Don't laugh at our Jackelopes. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Hays don't point at the genitalia on the white buffalo or we'll kick your ass.

7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. (Worse yet, they might think you're from Massacussetts. So hide your Birkenstocks!) Eat yor steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Or we'll kick your ass.

9. Don't' try to fake a western accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention high noon at Dodge City as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Boston, Detroit, New York and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, United Airlines is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Don't complain that most of Kansas is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Cleveland.

12. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like Boston, New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot, right after it is kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Enjoy your visit to the Land of Ahhhs (Oz).
Andrew Evans
Hokkien Martial Arts
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Andrew Evans
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Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2003 6:24 am
Location: Topeka, KS

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