Punishing your child

[benzocaine]

I know there are many who frequent these forums who have "been there.... done that", when it comes to children.

Let my draw on your wisdom please

A 2 year old is testing you. You tell him NO! Do Not Jump On the Couch! He looks at you, smiles, and starts to jump again All this with a look of "what are you gonna do????".

What would you do?

[Bill Glasheen]

You tell them once - and only once - what your expectations are. If they are of age, you might even spend some time explaining why you have the expectations you do. You do it in as calm a demeanor as possible. It isn't personal, and there's no reason to let the situation emotionally hijack you. It is what it is - period.

When they don't meet those expectations, the consequences - whatever they are - must be certain. It isn't the severity of the consequences so much as the certainty and expediency that is important. And remember - YOU are in control. Show it! They are the ones out of control when they test their boundaries. And they WILL test those boundaries.

When you get smarter, you learn how to create situations where children (and people) don't have the opportunity to fail. Instead they learn the taste of success, and what comes with it. This is the truly masterful parent. Such a parent needs always to be one or two steps ahead of the child. You must think like a child, and head them off at the pass before they get there.

As for consequences, well that's a matter of the flavor du jour. When I was a kid, I got belted at least once a week. In fact I had to go get the belt and hand it to my parent before getting my backside warmed. These days it isn't fashionable to hit your kids. I don't let fashion or the disapproval of others stop me. When my child bolted out of a restaurant and into a busy parking lot, he got my belt right in front of the world. Better the belt than the underside of a car tire.

Beyond absolute personal safety, there are many creative ways to punish a child. The simplest one I know of is simply to make them kneel in front of a wall with their nose touching it. They get one minute time per year of age. And then after it's over, they need an explanation of why they were punished, and they need to issue an apology to all those they transgressed.

Just make sure that a child's life isn't filled with punishment and scolding. A boy needs to get his energy out. Kids need time for fun. And they need to be able to see your smile and taste success.

- Bill

[jorvik]

In the UK there is a programe called "Supernanny" on TV.were this woman who is a nanny, and she is not old, she is in her 30's is taken to homes with problem children and gets them to behave properly.the thing is she never smacks them or encourages the parents to.but she does get results .........I wish I'd seen this programe when I first had kids.
She does things like send them to a naughty corner for 5 minurtes, and if they come back before then she takes them right back .and the 5 minutes start all over again.after that time the kid must apologise....she also gets the parents to be fully involved with the kids and set the kids parameters.they eat at the table for a family meal, they have set bedtimes etc.I was really impressed because I never really liked smacking the kids ...........one thing she does is look the kids right in the face and tells them why she is sending them to the naugty corner.she also lets them know what is acceptable and what isn't....honestly you should see some of the kids .little 4 years olds telling Dad to F*ck right off ...but after she has had them they become just nice little kids

[Mary S]

Jorvik, we have a program like that here in North America too. What I find interesting is that the kids are absolutely horrendous for the first 20 minutes, the parent (usually only one of them) gets an attitude adjustment from the nanny, and then the whole world is saved in the last 10 minutes of the show. I'm more than a little skeptical of anything that can be fixed in 1/2 an hour or is "reality" on tv these days.

In my growing up days (yes many many moons ago) when we misbehaved we lost privileges...whether it be allowance, toys, time with friends, etc. and I got spanked as well (and I rightly deserved it)!!! I wasn't hit out of frustration or to be hurt, I was spanked once hard on the a$$ and that usually ended whatever I was doing that I wasn't supposed to be doing.

These days kids don't value anything because they don't have to earn. Parents don't discipline anymore, they reward. It's a guilt thing. I wonder how parenting ever got to that state....

[mhosea]

I know that corporal punishment isn't fashionable (and heaven knows people do it wrong all the time), but we used a slap on the meaty part of the leg for recalcitrant behavior, with excellent results by all accounts. It was very seldom required. We basically followed the pattern of giving instruction first (which might be as simple as a "no"), followed by a stern warning, followed by a slap on a meaty part of the leg as a consequence for willful disobedience (not really for the particular activity which gave occasion to the disobedience). Once you have them trained to know that willful disobedience results in harsh punishment, verbal corrections suffice in the vast majority of cases. However, as in Bill's example of rushing out into the parking lot, I have occasionally seen the need for making an immediate impression, i.e. not my usual 1-2-3 response, but just 3. To me this made sense only when the behavior was life threatening and they were too young to assimilate the gravity of the situation.

[AAAhmed46]

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat

[CANDANeh]

I wonder how parenting ever got to that state....

Many factors but #1.
I think is because many feel they are smarter than thier parents and would never use proven methods that made them contributing members of society (damn child care experts).
Understanding, addressing each situation as they occur and simply following the instincts handed down to you is all that is needed. A person must be in the moment with a child and discipline the child NOT relive your stress.
All children are born with an empty cup

[jorvik]

Well I never liked hitting my kids ....and if you can get a result without that it would be great.however I really don't like all this PC bullsch*itt..telling you what to do with your kids.sure I spanked mine when they misbehaved.but maybe sometines I did it because I was stressed with my job.and the stuff that I got at work ...........so if I could find a way of controlling them without hitting them it would be cool .because other elemetns creep in

[benzocaine]

Thank you all for your responses. They are confirming a lot of my beliefs.

I guess spanking is the hardest for me. I've done it, but I hate going from cool, fun, DADDY... to Daddy the enforcer
I especially hate making him cry.....

[Bill Glasheen]

What many parents don't see is how the child is performing behavioral modification on the parent. I won't name names, but see situations where a parent isn't capable of being in control because the child knows how to push the buttons. And the buttons can only be pushed if you put them out there for all to manipulate.

I think everyone should have their own dog before raising a child. While all children are not created equal and the same is true for dogs (even in the same litter), it gives one a chance to make mistakes with a most forgiving and appreciative species.

Some dogs - like my Rhodesian Ridgeback - are masters at reverse training. Often in my household I am called in when Maverick decides he wants to do something and damn anyone who disagrees with him. His favorite is getting on someone's bed or on the leather couch. Dad is called. When I walk in the room, the problem is usually solved just with my appearance. My dog knows that my expectations are clear and consistent, and there are immediate consequences to blatant disobedience. When he gets testy, often all I have to do is pull my belt off, fold it in half, and start snapping it. That usually sends him scurrying into his kennel cab.

On the flip side, a Ridgeback doesn't make noise unless there's really something going on. When number 2 son is doing something stupid with the dog, I can often tell just by the sound of things at a distance. When I walk into the room, Maverick often will run up to me and start licking my arm or leg, knowing that the right thing will come of my presence. When you have your own act together, all around you sense it and respond accordingly.

One of the smarter things I did with my teenage son was to let him stay home with this new puppy for the summer - by himself. At first he was in puppy heaven. Then the reality of responsibility hit him. One day he asked me why I got such a stubborn breed. I looked at him and said "Well, he reminded me of someone I know and love." As they say, what goes around comes around. I have found many times in my martial art teaching carreer that the best thing you can do to a pain in the ass in class is to put them in charge and let them see their own behavior thrown back at them. Responsibility kicks in faster than you can say attitude adjustment.

After 3 months of being at home alone with a responsibility, my son's room is the cleanest in the house and his grades have gone up significantly.

The moral of the story here is to get beyond treating children like you're in a constant battle with them. Give them opportunities to take on responsibility, and have them understand what it is like to set their own expectations of others.

It's also worth mentioning that when you take a dog to obedience class, the real "training" is happening with the owner and not the pet. Food for thought...

- Bill

[Mary S]

Maybe it's just me and semantics...but I think this thread should have been called "Disciplining your Child" as opposed to "Punishing".

And what is life without a few tears? I'm grateful for the discipline my parents imposed on me. I know the value of things, I grew up respecting adults (and in fact all age groups) and have a great work ethic.

I find more and more parents issue hollow threats when it comes to discplining disruptive behaviour.

Course, then again, I'm not a parent

[Bill Glasheen]

I guess spanking is the hardest for me. I've done it, but I hate going from cool, fun, DADDY... to Daddy the enforcer
I especially hate making him cry.....

Spanking isn't absolutely necessary. It's just one of many tools you can use to achieve an end.

You aren't human if you don't hurt when your child hurts.

One of the things I often remind my older son of is that I am his parent way before I am his friend. I tell him it's my job to make sure he makes it to adulthood educated, out of jail, and in one piece. He will have days when he will hate me. But in the end I do it strictly because I love him and want the best for him. When your son is old enough, you can have these talks with him.

Most kids are pretty smart. They know how to play your strings if you let them. Allow them to pull the strings in you that bring out THEIR best behavior. Reward mature behavior. But in the end, make them feel that reward inside rather than seek it from outside. It takes some reminding sometimes... But when they figure that out, your job is done.

- Bill

[Icebladeraptor9]

I'm not an adult and I'm by no means a parent so keep that in mind, but I can say this, my parents did spank me, but that was it, I think thats about as far as one can go, my dad almost gave me the belt but I was being a little ass and throwing temper tantrums left and right, my mom had to cry to stop him.
I have also seen the little brats who are raised without any real punishment, oh no, playstation is taken away, that is just crap and makes for little brat children who beg me, as not an adult, to backhand them when they try and kick me in a place where no man wishes to be kicked. Problem is, if I did that, I get sued and Cubicle King father tries to beat me into the ground for doing something about his bratty kid. The only good kids I see nowadays are most of the kids that go to a good karate school, and if they are a brat, the sensei and/or the parents do something. Even my some of my relatives don't know how to raise kids, and I will use my relatives as an example of this. My three year old cousin is a little mama's boy pussy, he cries and throws tantrums over everything, and he always gets what he wants. He's still in diapers, I can't wait for him to get to kindergarten and get teased, because that's the only way he's getting trained to crap like a real kid. His big sister (age 5) is independent, smart, clever, and most of all, doesn't need daddy or mommy around. She, was raised right, and is being raised right in my opinion, because my uncle always made sure to discipline her the correct way, she was spanked, albeit rarely, because she's a good kid. The one time she did something she wasn't supposed to (that I witnessed) my uncle just went over her and told to her stop it, he just raised his voice a bit and held her arms firmly, but not enough to hurt. She cried a little but afterwards, she never did that again, at least that I saw.

Those are my two cents, sorry if I wrote too much, its the curse of being opinionated.

[f.Channell]

Next time he's hopping on the couch sweep the leg. I recommend this one.

http://www.judoinfo.com/images/animatio ... iharai.htm

Just tell the wife you were teaching him Judo.

And my biggest piece of advice, when you tell them something see it all the way to the end. So they know there's no getting around it and you mean what you say.

Take this from a father of two and a guy who taught 18 4-5 year olds for an hour today.

One inch and they take over the class.

F.

[Ted Dinwiddie]

I especially hate making him cry.....

Just wait, you'll hate it alot more when Life teaches him.