When Your Kid THRIVES on Negative Attention

[Bill Glasheen]

I found this on familes.com. It made me laugh.

So spot on... And it applies just as well to "adult kids."

23 Apr 2007 07:59 PM
When Your Kid THRIVES on Negative Attention

by Kristyn Crow

My husband and I were having dinner recently with friends, and we began to discuss our similar experiences with having a child who thrives on negative attention. As our friends talked about their situation, we nodded and could definitely relate. We have a child just like theirs--one who seems to be in trouble all the time, whose noise volume is three decibels louder than everyone else's in the room, and who always wants to cause conflict.

This got me thinking. What are the positive aspects of negative attention? Why would any child WANT it? Here's what I came up with:

The Positive about the Negative

1. Say my name. It's been said that people love hearing the sound of their own names. When you hear your name spoken aloud, it's a tiny manifestation that you exist. You belong in the world. You're acknowledged. So I imagine that if little Johnny is hearing, "Johnny! Quit that! Johnny! Did you hear me? Johnny! I mean it! Johnny! Stop that NOW! Johnny. . ." then little Johnny is certain to know he's alive. That's a lot of validation.

2. You say tomato, I say tom-ah-to. Conflict is stimulating. Perhaps these kids secretly feel some delight that a little bit of controversy is brewing. Think about it-human beings love debates. On television, we crave the scandals. We like the news programs where two "experts" hash it out. We like to watch presidential candidates squirm in the hot seat. Maybe a little dispute with mom and dad provides some well-needed intellectual stimulation.

3. Power to the people. Provoking others and causing upset is a manifestation of power. If Susie has the ability to get her siblings up in arms, and has ruined or changed the family outing because of her actions, that's a lot of influence she has on her world. In her view, she must truly be an important individual to have so much power. There must be real satisfaction in that.

So if negative attention can be desirable, how can we curb a child's intense need for it?

It's not the "negative" aspect of the attention that the child really wants, but the attention itself. From the above three examples, we can take the positive desirable elements-recognition, intellectual stimulation, and power-and channel them toward the positive.

For you parents and students of behavioral modification out there, you can read the rest of the article here.

Enjoy!

- Bill

[Crystal.Sands.McKinney/Be]

You know, I come from a dysfunctional family...what am I thinking, who doesn't? Children and adults that want this type of attention are very easy to manipulate and can easily manipulate as well. However each personality or personalities within the individual has a lot to be said for on how a positive response can be set.

Coming from first hand personal experiences, I have learned one thing. If you want to help this person the first thing you have to do is everything you can to find out what makes them upset and have the desire to enhance the negative attention. During the process of reversed psychology there is no room for pity parties on this individual.

Once you have discovered all their irritations, continue to elevate them on these. This is much like a science experiment and some folks do not have the guts to give tough love and sacrifice to help bring an individual out of their little zone. It takes a lot of pushing them to the edge to knock them emotionally down and purge their negativeness out. And it takes thousands of tries.

Within your pushing you can pull back and give little rewards. Much like training a dog to obey, as sick as that sounds. Be ready for venom to fly regardless of the rewards you set hopes for because it will fail a few times.

Next, call them on their outrageous behavior in front of the public eye. That is right, take them out of their comfort zone and seal them out. These individuals are limited to accepting any type of change in their life. We can only hide ourselves for so long before we start to realize that negative behavior is not proper. Have back up plans on this and minor threats, such as recordings, documentations, or even photographs of any act that is improper to the norm. If a new comfort zone is discovered then repeat this process as often as possible. These types of personalities thrive on routine and become ill when it is disrupted. Once you have distracted their attention on what their agenda is to grasp their negativeness, totally redirect them in something opposite and show them what the benefits could be.

The older the individual the longer it takes to make them see the light. Some folks have to be treated like this all their life because no one else had the heart to help them as a child. Thus they miss out on many wonderful things like true happiness, families, success, self esteem, confidence, true love or to be loved...just to name a few.

Many folks give up on themselves and find "quacks" to medicate them daily and not pay attention to what they are creating. Nothing like the good old band-aid effect. The fact of the matter is no medication in the world can help someone who is not willing to see they need to help themselves.

Just a thought...

Crys

[Bill Glasheen]

Good advice, Crystal!



- Bill

[Mary S]

I don't think it's rocket science...

"All a child really wants is love. If a child does not receive love unconditionally and directly, he or she will go for the next best thing –any quality and quantity of attention from you. Think of it like this: Love is the highest form of energy. It is necessary for the growth of child. It is like pure rain on a tropical plant. The rain nourishes it, causing it to blossom and become fragrant and beautiful. If pure rain is not available, the plant does whatever it can to survive. Its roots extend out to find the next best source of nutrition, even “stealing” from other flora in order to stay alive. A child is very much the same way. If he or she is not getting pure love, he or she will reach out, or act out, to get energy of any sort, even at the expense of others.

Children quickly figure out how to get what they want. Until the adult readjusts his or her behavior towards the child, the child will continue to behave in the same ways.

Exerpt from:
The Negative Attention Addiction
by Dr. Alexandra Delis-Abrams

[Crystal.Sands.McKinney/Be]

Thank you Bill

Agreed on that quote Mary. But also there are folks with disorders that thrive on the negative attention as well, i.e.~Bipolar syndrome, OCD, Schizophrenia, ADD, ADHD, Clinical Depression..just to name a few. Regardless this behavior has to be tame if not by the direct sources then by an outside source. All in all it is indeed a team effort and if the entire team does not play right then the mission fails and the child in the end suffers.

[Bill Glasheen]

It's great seeing you, Mary. You have been missed.

- Bill