No.
No!
HELL, no!!
^(*&$%&(&$%&^$#%^&%#ing no!!!
And you can put a blinkin' deaner to that, Sheila; oi, oi, oi.
(A good thing this is written; you'd hate my mangling of an Aussie accent....)
You have had one of the worst experiences a person can have. You have learned some things about trust and caution. If you have not yet sought professional counseling, I beg you in the strongest possible terms, dear, go and find a strong, compassionate counselor with whom you connect. Emotional scars can be as damaging as their physical counterparts and may last longer. It is not weakness to seek professional help: if you had broken an arm would you expect it to heal perfectly without being properly set? If you're a diabetic, is it weakness to take insulin?
One of the best things you can do is get in touch with symapthetic people who understand, or try to. These Forums are a good place for that, because we also understand martial arts and their limitations, and you don't have to go through the "But YOU study KARATE!" incredulous speech from us; we know better.
I don't know if you had noticed, but there is a new Forum here for women only: the Locker Room. No testosterone allowed. There may be some issues you want to discuss just among the ladies. On the other hand I am gratified that you trust us enough to post on a Forum available to men, where I can also reply.
Again, in the most imperative terms:
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
student
[This message has been edited by student (edited May 12, 2002).]
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Moderator: Available
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Student wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
Here is something from a noted researcher/physician:
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Testosterone is widely known as being the male hormone, yet it has been so villainized by society that even its medical use in men has been made into a social taboo for many years.
While the role of testosterone in maintaining muscle mass and losing body fat may be obvious to bodybuilders and athletes, it is a basic hormonal fact that is often absent in the medical community. It is known that many women begin to gain fat rapidly about ten to fifteen years before the menopause and also after. The connection between low to absent testosterone production and the deterioration of a healthy body composition is rarely made. Most women are often only given estrogens and progestins as hormone replacement therapy, but not testosterone. I have found in my medical practice that giving women estrogen and progesterone and not testosterone makes it almost impossible for them to lose weight/fat. With the scourge of increasing obesity in the USA, one would expect the medical community to pay closer attention to these issues. Yet the connection between sex hormones, and body composition is highly controversial.
It is clear to me, both from my clinical practice and from research, that testosterone is vital for women to preserve their lean mass and to prevent obesity. Not only will testosterone help mobilize body fat and negate some of the fat storing effects of estrogen, it is also extremely effective in building lean mass in women - even at small doses.
The infamous study on sexual dysfunction funded by the Ford Foundation and the U.S. National Institute of Health showed that low interest in sex was the number one cause of sexual dysfunction in women (Laumann, et al, 1999, JAMA , Feb., 10, 199, Vol 281. No 6
p537-544). Restoring a healthy libido in women can help bring back the spice in marriages, relationships, relieve stress and depression, and even improve body composition through increased sexual interest and activity. Testosterone is the primordial hormone for promoting both a sexy body and a better sex life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Look at how many women begin to turn into “fat and plump” from about age thirty_five and up, ten to fifteen years before menopause, slowly bringing on frigidity, according to studies.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
------------------
Van Canna
[This message has been edited by Van Canna (edited May 12, 2002).]
I know he was saying this facetiously with tongue in cheek, but this “testosterone” Buzz-word _has been used by both some males and females here, mainly as a male bashing term. This term seems to engender a “holier than thou” pulpit arrogance in some posters.the Locker Room. No testosterone allowed.
Here is something from a noted researcher/physician:
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Testosterone is widely known as being the male hormone, yet it has been so villainized by society that even its medical use in men has been made into a social taboo for many years.
While the role of testosterone in maintaining muscle mass and losing body fat may be obvious to bodybuilders and athletes, it is a basic hormonal fact that is often absent in the medical community. It is known that many women begin to gain fat rapidly about ten to fifteen years before the menopause and also after. The connection between low to absent testosterone production and the deterioration of a healthy body composition is rarely made. Most women are often only given estrogens and progestins as hormone replacement therapy, but not testosterone. I have found in my medical practice that giving women estrogen and progesterone and not testosterone makes it almost impossible for them to lose weight/fat. With the scourge of increasing obesity in the USA, one would expect the medical community to pay closer attention to these issues. Yet the connection between sex hormones, and body composition is highly controversial.
It is clear to me, both from my clinical practice and from research, that testosterone is vital for women to preserve their lean mass and to prevent obesity. Not only will testosterone help mobilize body fat and negate some of the fat storing effects of estrogen, it is also extremely effective in building lean mass in women - even at small doses.
The infamous study on sexual dysfunction funded by the Ford Foundation and the U.S. National Institute of Health showed that low interest in sex was the number one cause of sexual dysfunction in women (Laumann, et al, 1999, JAMA , Feb., 10, 199, Vol 281. No 6
p537-544). Restoring a healthy libido in women can help bring back the spice in marriages, relationships, relieve stress and depression, and even improve body composition through increased sexual interest and activity. Testosterone is the primordial hormone for promoting both a sexy body and a better sex life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Look at how many women begin to turn into “fat and plump” from about age thirty_five and up, ten to fifteen years before menopause, slowly bringing on frigidity, according to studies.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
OuchIt is known that many women begin to gain fat rapidly about ten to fifteen years before the menopause and also after.
------------------
Van Canna
[This message has been edited by Van Canna (edited May 12, 2002).]
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Maygan wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
But it has all to do with the errors we all make in our lives, sooner or later, in predicting behavior of people.
By the way Maygan writes, it is possible there may have been PINs [pre incident indicators] as described by De Becker in his book “the gift of fear” which she failed to discern or act upon. Therein lies the real life lesson.
According to De Becker, we will encounter, in our lives, some who have vastly different standards of behavior and morality, and that our errors in predicting their behavior come from the naïve belief that these others will perceive things in accordance with our world model.
He writes: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
I would recommend to Maygan that she absorb “The gift of fear” as soon as possible.
------------------
Van Canna
[This message has been edited by Van Canna (edited May 12, 2002).]
I don’t think it has to do with fault at all.Is it my FAULT because I stayed the night there? because I trusted him and believed him? I mean ok I live in a small town where this kind of stuff never happens and if it does it is kept quiet. My best friends mum knew and told me not to tell anyone I didn't is that my fault too? I didn't say no? He is always fighting with me and winning should I have fought back?
But it has all to do with the errors we all make in our lives, sooner or later, in predicting behavior of people.
By the way Maygan writes, it is possible there may have been PINs [pre incident indicators] as described by De Becker in his book “the gift of fear” which she failed to discern or act upon. Therein lies the real life lesson.
According to De Becker, we will encounter, in our lives, some who have vastly different standards of behavior and morality, and that our errors in predicting their behavior come from the naïve belief that these others will perceive things in accordance with our world model.
He writes: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote
There is a whole range of thoughts, emotions, and situational “cornering” behavior that can be learned to assess and predict.Predicting human behavior and thus escaping its predatory clutches is really about recognizing the play from just a few lines of dialogue.
I would recommend to Maygan that she absorb “The gift of fear” as soon as possible.
------------------
Van Canna
[This message has been edited by Van Canna (edited May 12, 2002).]
-
Guest
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Ok so I know this is old and all but I have something to say. I'm 17 and I live in Australia. The legal consent age for sex here is 16 for girls. Three months ago I was sexually assaulted by my best friends step father.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Maygan, you’re the victim here don't loose sight of that. I'm sorry to hear your have had to experience this abuse. I wish you well in dealing with the aftermath, it's worse than the assault. Take students advice and consult a professional.
Your age is not a factor, being of legal age just means this vile individual can not be charged with statutory rape. Being of age does not take away the need for consent. Your friend's stepfather is a sexual criminal and belongs in prison. Maybe after he's raped by his fellow inmates he will understand what he's done and feel some remorse.
Is it my FAULT because I stayed the night there? Because I trusted him and believed him?
------------------------------------------------------------------
The toughest thing to deal with is the betrayal. Individuals known to and trusted by the victim commit 50% plus assaults.
I hope your friend is not also experiencing these assaults. Statistics say this may happen again. STAY AWAY!
I mean ok I live in a small town where this kind of stuff never happens and if it does it is kept quiet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
No it happens everywhere all the time. Keeping it quiet allows it to continue in silence.
My best friends mum knew and told me not to tell anyone I didn't is that my fault too?
------------------------------------------------------------------
She is wrong tell your family and the police. The mother should not be protecting her boyfriend/ husband. He's scum she may be caught up in this abuse as well and doesn't know how to deal with it. Either way, if you remain silent it may continue if you're not the victim who will be his next target. It gets easier for him when there are no consequences to his actions.
I didn't say no?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You didn't say yes. You did nothing wrong.
He's the one who did the wrong. He's evil Maygan; he's a criminal. Don't punish your self. He is the one who should be punished.
He is always fighting with me and winning should I have fought back?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You probably would have been hurt as well had you , a hard call.
Take solace in the fact that you're okay. Some women are killed in these crimes. You survived didn't you.
Get the professional help to deal with the baggage and you probably will be fine. Do not let this eat away at your self-esteem.
Ok after this has happened to me I am more careful and I don't really trust anyone as much except for my closest friends and I guess the black belts I train with. I am the only girl in my monday night Karate class and I am the only non black belt does that mean that if I am sexually assaulted by one of them that I asked for it because I still go to my classes even though I am weaker and the only girl?
_--------------------------------------------------------------------
This is some of the baggage. You will live some fear and less trust now. It may not be a bad thing. Don't let it take over your life. This is when a councilor will be of help.
I'm sorry you had to experience this and I hope you are able to emerge stronger and wiser as a result.
Good luck
Laird
[This message has been edited by uglyelk (edited May 12, 2002).]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Maygan, you’re the victim here don't loose sight of that. I'm sorry to hear your have had to experience this abuse. I wish you well in dealing with the aftermath, it's worse than the assault. Take students advice and consult a professional.
Your age is not a factor, being of legal age just means this vile individual can not be charged with statutory rape. Being of age does not take away the need for consent. Your friend's stepfather is a sexual criminal and belongs in prison. Maybe after he's raped by his fellow inmates he will understand what he's done and feel some remorse.
Is it my FAULT because I stayed the night there? Because I trusted him and believed him?
------------------------------------------------------------------
The toughest thing to deal with is the betrayal. Individuals known to and trusted by the victim commit 50% plus assaults.
I hope your friend is not also experiencing these assaults. Statistics say this may happen again. STAY AWAY!
I mean ok I live in a small town where this kind of stuff never happens and if it does it is kept quiet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
No it happens everywhere all the time. Keeping it quiet allows it to continue in silence.
My best friends mum knew and told me not to tell anyone I didn't is that my fault too?
------------------------------------------------------------------
She is wrong tell your family and the police. The mother should not be protecting her boyfriend/ husband. He's scum she may be caught up in this abuse as well and doesn't know how to deal with it. Either way, if you remain silent it may continue if you're not the victim who will be his next target. It gets easier for him when there are no consequences to his actions.
I didn't say no?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You didn't say yes. You did nothing wrong.
He's the one who did the wrong. He's evil Maygan; he's a criminal. Don't punish your self. He is the one who should be punished.
He is always fighting with me and winning should I have fought back?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You probably would have been hurt as well had you , a hard call.
Take solace in the fact that you're okay. Some women are killed in these crimes. You survived didn't you.
Get the professional help to deal with the baggage and you probably will be fine. Do not let this eat away at your self-esteem.
Ok after this has happened to me I am more careful and I don't really trust anyone as much except for my closest friends and I guess the black belts I train with. I am the only girl in my monday night Karate class and I am the only non black belt does that mean that if I am sexually assaulted by one of them that I asked for it because I still go to my classes even though I am weaker and the only girl?
_--------------------------------------------------------------------
This is some of the baggage. You will live some fear and less trust now. It may not be a bad thing. Don't let it take over your life. This is when a councilor will be of help.
I'm sorry you had to experience this and I hope you are able to emerge stronger and wiser as a result.
Good luck
Laird
[This message has been edited by uglyelk (edited May 12, 2002).]
-
Dana Sheets
- Posts: 2715
- Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2002 6:01 am
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Maygan,
Sorry to be slow in replying. I've been on a plane all day and just got to the hotel.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Student said it best. It takes great, great courage for you to have shared this experience -- even though we do not know you and most of us are on the other side of world. But if you are able to write about it then I hope you have already begun to heal from such a terrible experience.
There are many, many women (sadly) who have gone through what you experienced and may be able to offer you help. Please look in your local telephone directory to see if there are hotlines, or organizations that may be able to help you over the phone or in person.
You don't have to try and "handle" it by yourself. The strongest individuals are the ones with the strongest network of people they rely on.
Please email me at dmsdc@yahoo.com
I'll see if I can't dig up some resources for you in Aus & I'll also tell you how to access the Women's Locker Room.
Dana
Sorry to be slow in replying. I've been on a plane all day and just got to the hotel.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Student said it best. It takes great, great courage for you to have shared this experience -- even though we do not know you and most of us are on the other side of world. But if you are able to write about it then I hope you have already begun to heal from such a terrible experience.
There are many, many women (sadly) who have gone through what you experienced and may be able to offer you help. Please look in your local telephone directory to see if there are hotlines, or organizations that may be able to help you over the phone or in person.
You don't have to try and "handle" it by yourself. The strongest individuals are the ones with the strongest network of people they rely on.
Please email me at dmsdc@yahoo.com
I'll see if I can't dig up some resources for you in Aus & I'll also tell you how to access the Women's Locker Room.
Dana
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Thankyou everyone. I should tell you that 3 weeks after it happened I did tell my mum and dad, the police and I have been seeing some wonderful people and talking to them. Yeah I guess the biggest problem I had was the fact I didn't fight back but then I really couldn't have. So that isn't a problem now. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else thats all
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Maygan,
Glad you found the courage to report the guy. He'll not be able to attack another unsuspecting person for awhile we hope.
Take care of yourself. Find support. You're stronger than you think.
david
Glad you found the courage to report the guy. He'll not be able to attack another unsuspecting person for awhile we hope.
Take care of yourself. Find support. You're stronger than you think.
david
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
Maygan,
I sent your post you made some time ago on the thread "Victims Mindset" to Bill Kipp. Below is his response.
Also check out the thread "Don't fight back dispelling the myth".
Best wishes to you and may god bless.
Alan
Wow, pretty sad. Especially since shes now bought into the myth that she
should just lay back and take it. The fault is not with her, it is with her
training. She simply responded as most people do who have not had appropriate
adrenal stress response training. Although there may be times when compliance
is appropriate, these times are rare. Statistics state emphatically that
fighting back is almost always the best option. The problem is that most
people havnt learned how to use adrenaline and fear as powerful allies, so
they often freeze up or flail ineefectively from these common and natural
bio-chemical and emotional phenomenon.
With proper training she would have broken the freeze response and used other
options. For the guy to control her arms, he had to leave himself open to
other strikes. Knee strikes, stomps on the shins, spit in his eyes, yell at
the top of her lungs. But this is nice in theory. When the heat is on and the
effects of the adrenal rush occur, it's a different story. The good news is
that proper training exists that does not take years to be effective. Just as
a person can be conditioned to freeze after one single traumatic event, we
can train someone to not freeze and actually use adrenaline for amazing power
in a very short amount of time. Holding onto a woman (or man) who has tapped
into the adrenal rush is like holding on to a wild mountain lion. For most
attackers it is just not worth it and they quickly stop. For others they are
in for a hell of a fight.
I hope this woman can overcome her victim mentality. She did the best she
could with what she had. Adrenal stress response training works on many
levels, and is amazingly therapeutic to help victims work through past
experiences and start fresh from an empowered place with bold new choices.
Bill Kipp www.fastdefense.com
I sent your post you made some time ago on the thread "Victims Mindset" to Bill Kipp. Below is his response.
Also check out the thread "Don't fight back dispelling the myth".
Best wishes to you and may god bless.
Alan
Wow, pretty sad. Especially since shes now bought into the myth that she
should just lay back and take it. The fault is not with her, it is with her
training. She simply responded as most people do who have not had appropriate
adrenal stress response training. Although there may be times when compliance
is appropriate, these times are rare. Statistics state emphatically that
fighting back is almost always the best option. The problem is that most
people havnt learned how to use adrenaline and fear as powerful allies, so
they often freeze up or flail ineefectively from these common and natural
bio-chemical and emotional phenomenon.
With proper training she would have broken the freeze response and used other
options. For the guy to control her arms, he had to leave himself open to
other strikes. Knee strikes, stomps on the shins, spit in his eyes, yell at
the top of her lungs. But this is nice in theory. When the heat is on and the
effects of the adrenal rush occur, it's a different story. The good news is
that proper training exists that does not take years to be effective. Just as
a person can be conditioned to freeze after one single traumatic event, we
can train someone to not freeze and actually use adrenaline for amazing power
in a very short amount of time. Holding onto a woman (or man) who has tapped
into the adrenal rush is like holding on to a wild mountain lion. For most
attackers it is just not worth it and they quickly stop. For others they are
in for a hell of a fight.
I hope this woman can overcome her victim mentality. She did the best she
could with what she had. Adrenal stress response training works on many
levels, and is amazingly therapeutic to help victims work through past
experiences and start fresh from an empowered place with bold new choices.
Bill Kipp www.fastdefense.com
What Is Sexual Assault ( Destroying The Myths)
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Maygan:
Thankyou everyone. I should tell you that 3 weeks after it happened I did tell my mum and dad, the police and I have been seeing some wonderful people and talking to them. Yeah I guess the biggest problem I had was the fact I didn't fight back but then I really couldn't have. So that isn't a problem now. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else thats all<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Magyan-sama,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your decision to report this incident and to talk it out with someone. The importance of being able to let your feelings out and deal with the emotions after such an incident is critically important, but often very difficult to do.
Secondly, let me echo my friend student's words (also echoed by virtually everyone else in here), you are not at fault. No one has the right to force themselves on another. No one has the right to violate your body at their whim or fancy. No one has the right to harm you. While you may or may not have made a good decision about staying the night in their house, you had every right to expect that you would be physically safe.
Your trust and emotional well-being were violated just as much as anything else in this instance. The fact that you recognize it and are taking steps to heal emotionally as well as physically from this action speaks very strongly of your maturity, bravery and intelligence.
My hat's off to you for being brave enough to take care of yourself and for getting together with others who will help you do that.
Sincerely,
Lee Darrow, C.Ht. (Certified Hypnotherapist)
Thankyou everyone. I should tell you that 3 weeks after it happened I did tell my mum and dad, the police and I have been seeing some wonderful people and talking to them. Yeah I guess the biggest problem I had was the fact I didn't fight back but then I really couldn't have. So that isn't a problem now. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else thats all<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Magyan-sama,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your decision to report this incident and to talk it out with someone. The importance of being able to let your feelings out and deal with the emotions after such an incident is critically important, but often very difficult to do.
Secondly, let me echo my friend student's words (also echoed by virtually everyone else in here), you are not at fault. No one has the right to force themselves on another. No one has the right to violate your body at their whim or fancy. No one has the right to harm you. While you may or may not have made a good decision about staying the night in their house, you had every right to expect that you would be physically safe.
Your trust and emotional well-being were violated just as much as anything else in this instance. The fact that you recognize it and are taking steps to heal emotionally as well as physically from this action speaks very strongly of your maturity, bravery and intelligence.
My hat's off to you for being brave enough to take care of yourself and for getting together with others who will help you do that.
Sincerely,
Lee Darrow, C.Ht. (Certified Hypnotherapist)
