Boiling Point and Triggers

[LenTesta]

People who like to push your buttons and try to provoke an attack always intrigue me. You see this occur when you are in a vulnerable position such as alone with a date in a bar or at the beach, a concert and even at a sporting event.

Here is a situation where you are “put on the spot” at a moments notice.

You are at a concert…a guy with a few beers and a few friends is sitting behind you and he decides that he wants to test you. He voices his opinion about how your date/wife/girlfriend would be much better off with him than with you. You have had a few beers yourself and earlier that day you had a narrow escape from a hurried motorist who wanted badly to move your car out of the way. Top it off with a security guard at the gate who took away your companions’ new umbrella. Your internal thermometer is reaching the boiling point. This guy is trying to find the right button. You turn around and excuse yourself, and laugh. He say’s to you…”I am no f****** comedian”.

Do you have a boiling point or threshold that someone can cause you to reach?

What other word or words could he say to trigger your remaining frustration and cause you to attack him?

What can you say to defuse this threat without causing a fight in the stands?

[LenTesta]

This is an actual alterctation that led to a confrontation at a stadium event I was working.

The man who was with his lady was provoked by this thug who was supposed to be at the concert with his fiance who had just broken up with him the night before.

The response to the last statement was:
"You look like Andy Kaufman to me you piece of ****."

You can probably guess what happened next...


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Len Testa

[BILLY B]

I can think of all kinds of wittey comebacks, even some language that might calm the excitable boy down so you can make freinds, "agree to disagree", whatever....

But, could I think of anything during that moment when my body is getting ready to go into combat? I don't know.. I do know that usually, in this kind of scenario, if I can say anything at all, it does'nt come out too smooth. Usually I say something stupid that does'nt help the situation. In your example Len, the guy was verbally agressive with his "counter", sometimes I do that. Other times it goes the other way, and I am too passive, which can also get you hurt.

I can just picture somebody with J.D.'s gift for gab going off on this guy and making him look and feel two inches tall...and back down! I don't have that ability when calmly sitting behind my computer screen (getting fat) and thinking the matter over. No way I could pull it off while "operating under the influence" of our favorite chemical!

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"There ain't no graduation from this kind of education"

[Panther]

Hmmmm...

More rules from the book of cats:

1) Never go into an uncontrolled/uncontrollable situation unarmed.

2) Never drink or take anything "mind-altering" when in a potentially uncontrolled/uncontrollable place.

3) Never let daily frustrations/situations build up without calming yourself or otherwise dealing with them.

4) Never, ever, EVER let a "rent-a-cop" take your personal possessions without a receipt and the ability to retrieve the item later.

5) Never remain in a position where a potential threat has an advantage... I.E.: sitting behind you, sitting higher than you.

6) Never let someone else "emotionally hijack" you. (Thanks Canna-sempai ) Never let someone else know they're pushing any buttons... it only reenforces their ego.

7) If possible, make a "peace offering" to the person to try and diffuse. If that doesn't work, contact security. If security doesn't handle them, talk with management to get your money back as you leave. If management refuses your refund, tell them that you will be contacting the local news media concerning their lack of providing for their clientele's safety and enjoyment... Works everytime.

Now you've gotten this moron thrown out and the show is over... Going to the car, he steps out to confront you with a couple of hours of steam built up... Deal with it as needed, remembering you have a nice backup because of rule #1.

And for anyone that gives two $h!ts, the answer is NO, I do not go to any event where I am frisked/searched/scanned/metal-detected or otherwise had/have my privacy as a lawful citizen abridged. I don't go to certain sporting events and never will... I have turned around and gone home from certain dance establishments that felt that all their customers needed to go through a metal detector and be disarmed. If the establishement has that type of clientele, I certainly don't want to (and won't) patronize the place. Even courts provide for lawful citizens to store their legal arms while conducting business... And if you're legal in point A & point B, you can even check certain items through at an airport.



[This message has been edited by Panther (edited July 25, 2000).]

[Gary Santaniello]

Lenny,

I work in retail with the general public. We acknowledge customers with statements such as, hello, can i help you ?, how are you ?,did you find what you need ? etc. etc. Needless to say, some folks are non-responsive to friendliness. Have attitide problems, project superiority complexes and just plain ****** ! (sorry)

Then there are exceptional "nice" people who are grateful for you efforts, thankful and reflect respect to you as a worker. Now you hit the impatience of many when you leave work. Little courtacy, (if any) no mutual respect or ackowledgement, as everyone is in a rush in their own little word. Some oblivious to the exsistence of others in that they are venting their own
"personal" problems on whomever they come in contact with.

There exsist the snappy comments of disrespect as i often see some seek recognition of importance by humiliating others with their verbal attacks.

Funny you should post this topic today. As just last night i dreamed of no longer avoiding and tolorating testy people. I woke up before any physical responce took place but clearly recall stating that i will no longer back down and avoid such people.

Unfortunately, we can not actual do that without consequences. But for the moment, it felt good.

Sometimes i do not think that we can go to verbal battling with others as it just esculates. Fight or flight comes to mind. Deciding which to do is the hard part for me. I get tired of always avoiding situations and justifying it with "it was the right thing to do" !

It is the variety of consequences that keep the control in balance. Some say no ? Bull___ !

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Gary S.

[Allen M.]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote

...with others as it just esculates...

I think that's right on, Gary, and it sometimes takes the astute to recognize and jump off the esculator in time.

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Allen, Home: http://www.ury2k.com/pulse mirror: http://home.ici.net/~uechi/

[LenTesta]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Billy B writes:
I can think of all kinds of witty comebacks, even some language that might calm the excitable boy down so you can make friends, "agree to disagree", whatever....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now we are getting to the point of this thread. What should the man have said to de-escalate the altercation?

Can we list phrases and words that will cause the situation to become non violent?

Here are some words you should not use. (This is an example and not meant to be an all-inclusive list)

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>Swears or words that describe a part of the body.
Words that describe sexual preference.
Words that describe a sexual act.
Words that describe a physical confrontation.
Racial or ethnic words.
Words about Family members.</UL>

You do not want to use provoking words that may be offensive to anyone who wants to test you. Using one of these triggers {words or phrases with these words in them) will make them more prone to attack.


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Len Testa