How to inspire someone to be better?

[chef]

I put this topic on the women's forum but got no response, so maybe what I need is a guy's view point. Give me some input guys.

I made a promise to my husband while he was out of town to go through our 'junk piles' that had been accumulating in our computer room. As I was going through the piles and sorting them, I found an older picture of my husband. It was a dojo group shot of him and his former Wado-ryu school. Fifteen years ago my husband practiced karate and was in such good shape. At that time we were both practicing our separate martial arts.

We moved shortly after that, off to Cleveland. He began his MBA and extensive travel. During the four years we were there we looked into some schools but were not happy with what we saw. I ended up just working out at the gym to get back in shape after my third child.

Through these past 15 years, I have gone back to karate and been emphatic about staying in shape.

He, on the other hand, has declined in the 'physical' department for numerous reasons.......starting a business on the side, finding weight-lifting boring, not being able to find Wado. Now Wado is a blend of Shotokan and Jiu-jitsu. We have shotokan here even much of the same katas. He didn't want to do that.

His stress level is very high and he is overweight. At the rate he is going, he may not have a long life. His idea of relaxing is reading, surfing the web, or sitting down to watch some TV and having a bowl of ice-cream. My idea of a stress reliever is to work out at the gym or work outside, gardening.

I don't know how to inspire or motivate him to take an active role in getting a better, healthier life-style. Comments?

Frustrated in Richmond,
Vicki

[M. Keller]

Hi Vicki,

I know of people very similar. My father could care less about fitness, until he had a physical that scared him half to death. Now he runs 2 miles a day. He nows seriously enjoys working out, and I've even gotten him to start lifting. Now I just need to drag him to Uechi....

But I digress.

I may be repeating something you've already tried, but perhaps you can motivate your husband by going together to the gym / running / etc? Or, if you're interested in cross-training anytime soon, start a new style together (WC perhaps?).

Just a thought,

Mike

[RACastanet]

Tell him about all of the studley and attractive guys (Bill and I for instance) at the gym that are eyeing you up. Make him a little green with envy.

LOL, Rich

[Bill Glasheen]

Keeping the thread going...

You know, Mike, sometimes this "doing things together" business works, and sometimes it doesn't. My wife for instance really doesn't like being in the gym the same time I am. She was a successful, competitive bodybuilder in the 1980s, and fashions herself to be somewhat of an expert. She's also extremely competitive by nature. So basically she doesn't want to be in the gym at the same time as the karate guy and cross trainer because she'd rather be thought of as queen bee when in the gym. It's fine by me; she can have her own place under the sun. In any case, I take Vicki's husband to be somewhat similar. He and Vicki are competitive by nature, and I don't think the chemistry would work. "D" would ideally need to find his own thing. Mind you now I wouldn't mind having him as a student. It's just that - for many reasons - I can see "D" not wanting to start de novo in a place where Vicki has gained some prominence and respect.

Part of the problem here with "D" exists with many folks. It's the "Who moved my cheese" syndrome.

Basically this fellow had something going back in some past time, and is looking to recreate this whole scene that cannot be any more. He has forgotten most of what he knows. He has lost his following. He is overweight. He is older and slower and probably now has cardiorespiratory issues. His eyes probably aren't the same.

The mature martial artist recognizes that his/her body changes with age, and learns to adapt. I can no longer go around the dojo hunting for peoples' heads with my kicks, because my meniscus-less right knee is in constant pain. I am stronger and smarter, but slower and I don't heal as quickly. Instead of dozens of University students to teach, I am now in suburbia and competing with soccer and homework and materialistic trappings. So...I must change my martial arts and my idea of myself as a martial artist. Otherwise, I'll sit at home and b**ch about how nothing is like the perfect way that I USED to do things and I have high standards and yada, yada, yada. Bull****. Just get up and do something. Find a different you.

It takes an incredible personal transformation to get someone who has let themselves go so far to turn the corner. We see it in case and disease management all the time. Sometimes - regrettably - we need to catch someone in the Emergency Room where they may finally have found religion and are ready for a major change. But there are other ways... Some of us don't have to wait until we are knocking on death's door.

I think the thing to do with "D" is find out what personality traits he has and work with them. Obviously he is stubborn. That can be good - if applied the right way. Ultimately "D" needs to believe he has found his own way back in. That may take friends outside the marriage who can help show him a new and interesting social life in the gym.

In any case, it doesn't pay to give up on him. There's only one father for your beautiful children.

- Bill

[Kay]

Hi Vicki. I have a similar situation, except that my husband was never into any athletic endeavor. Now he's 53 and finally decided to go the gym (after hearing all the hype about aging and exercise). Nothing I ever said or did motivated him to exercise (and that includes him watching me go off to the dojo for over 25 years). Didn't happen until he was scared enough to decide for himself to get into shape...

Kay

[Frank DiMeo]

Hi Vicki--
I really empathize with this situation! There are a lot of reasons why people won't even attempt getting back in shape. None of them are good, and perhaps none of them make sense to to other people.
What used to frustrate me was working hard physically most of my life, but still having a difficult time controlling my weight. with all the energy I was exerting, I thought surely I could stay slim and trim without changing anything else. How wrong I was!
People often are hesitant to start changing their nutritional and exercise habits because they are are afraid they might fail, again.
Other times, negative peer pressure helps trap people in mediocrity.
As a Certified Personal Trainer and having done a self-study of motivation & personal growth since 1990, I have found that excuses ( they will call them reasons) don't vary change, only the people using them do.
Too old, too busy, etc. are recurring themes In fact, I used to be pretty good at using some of them myself.
Few people really want to change, however, they may want the results of change.
In the areas of health & fitness, most people would like to slimmer and healthier; often times it seems overwhelming to them so they don't even try. They don't often tell even their loved ones about their desire to make these changes because they don't want to disappoint them again.
The good news is, they can change as long as they know that the benefits of those changes will be worth it to them.
People need to make sure they don't put weight-loss and fitness together in their minds at first. These need to be dealt with separately. Check with your physician before starting!
I recommend the weight-loss be first, then add in the exercise.
Also, the mind needs to be prepared to support this endeavor. I recommend "Failing Forward" by John Maxwell and"The Magic is in the Extra Mile" by Larry Diangi. (These books are great for anyone who is in business also.)
Vicki, make sure you take time to listen and to hear what your husband might be trying to communicate to you. Men really want the admiration and respect of their wives (even if you feel like he may not deserve it), he will probably want to meet your expectations. Your words to him will have a large impact on him positively or negatively, choose them carefully when discussing these subjects with him.
If was in great shape once, he can be in great shape again!
I have had to watch my weight all my life, but it has been worth it.
If your husband has any questions, he can give me a call toll free at
1-877-304-0488; I'd be glad to talk with him.
Respectfully,
Frank DiMeo
Sarasota, FL