Evasion

[Dana Sheets]

On Robb's threat on a self-defense class, Rich posted these four concepts:
-Awareness
-Avoidance
-Evasion
-Resistance (if the first three fail)

So the fourth topic is Evasion. This one is the most difficult and the simplest at the same time.

-You're at an office party and a guy who's had a few too many stumbles your way with a sloppy grin and his arms outstreached asking for "just a hug".
-You're at a wedding and somebody's uncles asks you to dance and you've already seen his version of "dancing" and it involves putting his hands anywhere he wants them.
-You're at a bar with a couple girlfriends and a guy at a rowdy table sends the waitress over with a drink
-You've been working late at the office and you realize that everyone else is gone and you're about to go to the parking garage alone

I could come up with a thousand scenarios...each one with it's own traps and problems. But it boils down to a willingness to alter your plans or someone else's plans to maintain your safety. Seems simple...but many, many women simply don't do it. They let whatever happen and then feel awful about it the next day.

What is it about evasion that's so hard?

Dana

[Frank DiMeo]

Sensei Sheets--
Thank you for your insights. It is so true that we , as creatures of habit, can easily set ourselves up for a violent or compromising scenario to unfold.
I am running a reality-based personal defense course for women in our area.
The course starts with mental preparation; mainly not being predictable in our daily routines and not being oblivious to our surroundings.
For instance, if a woman takes the elevator to her third floor office without ever varying her routine, she becomes predictable. The stairs are a good way to break that pattern, but not on set days.
Always working late alone is another one as is walking to the car with an armload of paperwork (you shouldn't have to take home but your overwhelmed) and talking on the cell phone while fumbling for your car keys. It doesn't take too much planning to alter these habits that put you in danger.
Keep up the great work!
Respectfully,
Frank DiMeo
Sarasota, FL

[Jackie Olsen]

Evasion may be hard for women as it may involved saying or doing something that is not considered "appropriate behavior" -- like being rude or saying no. After all, weren't we raised to be good girls?!

Evasion also means change the pattern and pay attention to our surroundings, which many of us don't do. We get so absored in self-talk or put our minds on our next step (gotta get groceries, pick-up the kids, etc.) that we don't pay attention to the "now" and miss the subtle cues or energy coming our way in the environment.

Also, I think it is a matter of trusting our intuition, even if it is wrong on occasion or makes us look (in our own opinion) stupid to others. If I get a hit to take a different route, cross the street, or get out of the 7/11 I am in, I now pay attention.

Jackie

[Dana Sheets]

Frank and Jackie,

Thanks for writing. And Frank - please call me Dana!

I was flying in and out of Denver last week and I really noticed how the break in routine can also lull people into a lack of awareness and ability to evade. People in airports get tired, get lonly, get bored. They sit staring out the windows, staring at the TV, sleeping in the open with their bag unattended.

Airports are alot safer than they used to be, but there are still hundreds of strangers milling about very close together. My flight out of Denver was delayed two hours. I'm glad that one of my crew lived near me or I would have been faced with an hour long taxi ride alone with a stranger at 2:00 am. Not a pleasant prospect. Since having just got off the place the most effect weapons for self defense that I had were a pen, a water bottle, and a cell phone.

Dana

[LeeDarrow]

Dana-Sensei,

Many moons ago, my first wife was sitting on a bus, minding her own business, on her way to class at Michigan State. A man sat down next to her and put his hand on her knee.

She calmly removed it, manually.

The hand returned some minutes later.

She turned to face him. He grinned.

She said, deadpan - "Please remove your hand from my knee before I remove your hand from your wrist." Then she grinned, wolfishly.

The hand disappeared. So did the guy.

Sometimes "being nice" is taken as an invitation by the offender.

Sometimes "being nice" can get you injured, raped or killed.

And, from my teaching days, it's often the most difficult thing to get across to students - both male AND female. Getting over the "hit and apologize" response, where someone actually hits someone, stops and tries to apologize, seems to be a real problem for a lot of people.

Any hints on getting over that?

Respectfully,

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
http://www.leedarrow.com

[Ted Dinwiddie]

Lee wrote:

A man sat down next to her and put his hand on her knee.

She calmly removed it, manually.

The hand returned some minutes later.

She turned to face him. He grinned.

I find myself wondering if this guy had ever found some level of success with this approach. Or maybe he "knew a guy once..."

The first 3 social situations submitted by Dana and this last by Lee speak to a general level of ignorant loutishness among some men. The folklore of these sorts of approaches is rampant in testosterone ravaged young male culture. The mystery of "getting girls" solved by brazen arrogance. If one guy is ever "successful" with such crassness then 1000 more probably think it must be a viable approach. Perhaps, at young ages, boys and girls both play at these "caveman" games, but most grow up. Some never do, and the men/boys who perpetuate this behavior have labels for the women who rebuff them, as well as the ones who perhaps will not. These men, in positions of power and influence, create hellish situations for the women (and men) beneath them. And, yes, a group of roudy drunk men/boys is a dangerous thing for a woman who is targeted and presents the same social political minefield.

How to extricate yourself?

I think Lee's story of his wife illustrates a good way. Polite and clear rebuff followed by increasing level of hostility. NO MIXED MESSAGE. No smile, no giggle, no coy exchange, just NO. Situations and circumstances may be more severe than others, but clear and direct is still the best.

[Dana Sheets]

NO MIXED MESSAGE. No smile, no giggle, no coy exchange, just NO.

This, is important. So very very important and not often taught or trained.

Women need to practice saying no with their voices and their bodies at the same time. Doesn't mean turning away, doesn't mean looking away, doesn't mean using a small voice.

In the same clear way you order your lunch at a drive through. You speak slowly, deliberatly, with the intention of being clearly understood.

You need not threaten violence as Lee's encounter profiles. You can simply state what you want.

"No. Take your hand off my thigh and don't put it there again."

Heather taught me a drill she learned at acupuncture school on this topic.

Put a glass of water in front of you. Ask someone you know to ask you for the glass of water over and over and to get slightly more emphatic each time.

Start slowly. Notice what you do. Do you smile? Giggle? Blush? Wince? Look away? Use an uneven voice?

"May I have a glass of water?"
"No"

"May I have a glass of water please?"
"No"

"Look, the glass is sitting right there on the table. Just hand me glass."
"No."

"Why are you being that way. Give me the water!"
"No, I'm not giving you the water."
...

Depending on your comfort zone you can ask your partner to start using stronger langugage or even physical intimidation to try and get you to give them the water. You job is to deny their request. You'll notice at a certain point that as they get more emphatic they're not requesting the water, they're demanding it. This is what happens in a street encounter. No matter how sweet the langugage used - if somebody's asking you for something and they expect you to say yet - then it's not a request -- it's a demand. It's up to you to hold your ground.

Dana

[Jackie Olsen]

This is a great technique all taught in women's self esteem workshops about understanding boundaries. Most of the time, the participant gets disgusted, walks away and tries another person.

However, we had one example where the requester escalated the request and started invading the space of the woman. In this case the woman ended up matching the energy and meeting the force with strong eye contact and holding their space by getting out of the chair. When the 'attacker' sensed it was futile, he left.

Jackie

[LeeDarrow]

Jackie Sensei, Dana-Sensei and all,

One of the most difficult issues in communicating clearly is what actors and psychologists call "congruency."

Congruency is when your body and your mouth say the same thing - in the same tone.

How many times have you seen someone say "no" while nodding their head yes? Or said, "I'm not interested," while nodding or sidling closer to the other person?

By learning to communicate congruently - head actions, body posture, voice tonality all going in the same direction - one conveny a much clearer message.

Try this: Face an opponent. tuck your chin and hunch your shoulders while looking at them by glancing up after staring at the floor for a second and moving your gaze back to the floor after saying "leave me alone," in a whiny voice while nodding your head in a "yes" message.

Ask your partner in this exercise what THEY felt on viewing this action.

Now try it like this: Square your shoulders, chin up, eyes staring right into your opponent's. Bend the knees slightly, shifting into a very shallow front stance, fists on your hips. As you say "Leave me alone" jut the chin forward a bit and use a low, almost growly, tone. Do NOT blink.

Ask for feedback.

The first is incongruent. The body says, "I'm weak" and invites further intimidation.

The second says "Don't f**k with me and note use of profanity for emphasis."

Teaching this kind of communication is rarely, IMHE, taught in the average dojo.

Maybe it's time to start?

Respectfully,

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
http://www.leedarrow.com

[Dave Flory]

What you describe is what I call body language and if you say different things in verbal speech and body speech you really can get in trouble. I think one of the reasons I never was seriously attacked in 30 years of working on the street as a police officer is my early training with Sensei George Mattson, and later a couple of decades of practice in Aikido. I never actually used any techniques in combat because I think that the balanced stance, situational awareness, and calm strong way of speaking sent the right signal. I.E. "I'm alert and ready and if you attack me you'll get hurt." Most of the people I've encountered who had tried to hurt others were bully types. I've been extremely lucky to not meet any of the _really_ vicious types that do exist, but even these are more likely to attack if they see someone who is broadcasting victim signals, than someone who is broadcasting "I'm ready and alert, I don't want trouble but I'm ready to dance if _you_ do!" I hesitate to think I ever reached this level, but I think I first heard this described by George as "mind like the sun", a level of high enough so that you shone upon the world and no one would consider attacking you.

[gmattson]

David is one of my first students. . . He started with me at the YMCA in 1958!

I believe he studied almost daily while he was going to school at one of the universities in the area. I think I may even have an old picture of him and me standing on Symphony Road, where I rented a small apartment.

Talk about memories. . .

Good to see you on the forums David.

Oh yes. . . he was one hell of a fighter and loved to perform kata!

[Stryke]

I love the phrase *Mind like the sun* , there is no doubt to what it infers , the message of congruency is an important one , The more nervous you are the more you have to appear focused and together , conflicting messages are such an easy way to send out those prey signals , tough stuff .

great thread am reading with interest

[Dave Flory]

[quote="Stryke"]I love the phrase *Mind like the sun* , there is no doubt to what it infers ....

The three stages George described in developement of the mind state while doing kata were "mind like water" which described a pool of water with no ripples, a mind which was empty of consious thought. To achieve this one must know the kata so well that one need only thing, "well I'll do san chin now." and body does the kata perfectly without any conscious thought of it.

Nex was "mind like the moon" (was that Mushin? The old mind wanders...) a mind state in which the world is peceived and then acted upon without any previous thoughts or preconceptions.

Then "mind like the sun" where the practitioner shines on the world thru' force of personality and character and no one would attack them in the first place.

In my Aikido studies we worked on similar mind states where the first was a state where one thought of ki sinking down in the body towards the 'center', that point somewhere below the navel where the center of gravity of the body is, with the body being like a container full of gravel and the water (ki) running down and gathering in a pool at the center.

Then a stage where one became aware of the ki around and sucked it in and redirected it outwards as wished.

Then a stage where you have absorbed so much that your ki is so strong that you are like a searchlight on the world and your every move is so balanced and the ki in it so strong that it is irresistable.

This is a really strange thing to experience. I took a class once from Sensei Koichi Tohei in Aikido. At the end of it he did a thing where he 'pretended' to swing a sword. There wasn't a single one of us who didn't dive and roll to get out of the way of that katana that we didn't see but somehow knew was coming our way. He _believed_ in it, and made us believe it, too.

The mind and the body are one, and developing only one makes the other get weak and the whole is relatively powerless. When both work together the unity is synergistic, much greater than the sum of the parts.

[Stryke]

Thanks Dave for the thoughts , is great to see how some of the philosophys can be trained and turned into what we now call mindset , welcome to the forums , and thanks again .

Stryke