Rape

[Van Canna]

Dana,

Have you seen this?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dy ... Found=true

[Van Canna]

And this from another forum

Subject: Self Defense

Hi, girls!

I just finished taking the most amazing self-defense class, sponsored by Shandwick, and I wanted to share some really valuable info with you before it goes out of my head. The guy who taught the class has a female friend who was attacked last year in the parking garage at Westport Plaza in St. Louis one night after work and taken to an abandoned house and raped.

He started a women's group and began teaching these classes soon after. This guy is a black belt in karate and trains twice a year with Steven Segall. He and the others in this group interviewed a bunch of rapists and date rapists in prison on what they look for and here's some interesting facts:

The #1 thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. The #1 outfit they look for is overalls because many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing and on overalls the straps can be easily cut.

They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m. The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking.

Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

These men said they will not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter.

Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target. If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back!

Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling "I have pepper spray" and holding it out will be a deterrent.

If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If they grab your wrist, pull your wrist back so your hand is in waving position (palm facing forward) and twist it toward yourself and pull your arm away. It is hard to hold onto wrist bones that are moving in that way. They stumble toward you and you stumble back, so you can use that momentum to bring the same out and backhand them with your knuckles in the forehead, nose or teeth.

If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.

Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts. After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's balls (sorry to be graphic) it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll piss the guy off and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble.

Start causing trouble, and he's out of there. When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly. Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble. Please forward this to any woman you know, it's simple stuff that could save her life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Gavin de Becker:

Simply put, some of this material is valuable, and some of it can be harmful. I am sure the writer's intent was all good, but a person who takes a course is not necessarily the best person to communicate the information - and like anything secondhand, it has limitations. Imagine taking high-stakes medical advice from someone who attended a great talk by a doctor.

It's not that I am such a believer in "experts," per se, but rather, that the best information comes from a great deal of thought, accurate information, and experience - not from someone reporting what someone else may have said. (More on that later).

I tend to discourage offering specific PRESCRIPTIONS for what to do in specific situations, as this information does, because I am not there with a woman on the scene, and thus, I am not able to understand all the factors.

By way of example, "If you are being followed, cross to the other side of the street and walk the other way" is not good advice if there's a police station a block in front of you. In that situation, one might be wiser to speed up and get nearer to the police station.

As noted above, there are risks when information is passed on by someone who reads a book or takes a class. The most common way this happens (and the most dangerous) is when someone learns from just one experience and tries to apply the lesson to everyone (eg, "Always scream 'get away!' because that worked for my friend when she was attacked").

My point about getting original material from the source is said well with some Hindu wisdom: "Look to the moon, and not its reflection in the pond." Our world is full of mediated information, watered down or made unclear or made inaccurate by TV reporters, the Internet, etc. With safety, as with health, it's wise to gain information from the source.

In the material above, one recurring theme is very misleading (probably the result of poor language). It's the use of the phrase "The #1 thing is..." "The #1 thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed." In fact, this isn't even close to "the #1 thing," and "they" (as if all rapists are the same) do NOT choose their victims on the basis of some hair-grabability quotient.

Remember, rapists being asked for a checklist may want to come up with something concise to say - but the third-party interpretations of their answers can be ludicrous.

For example, "The #1 outfit they look for is overalls because many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing and on overalls the straps can be easily cut."

Ludicrous and misleading. The reader is left to conclude that if you avoid overalls and keep your hair short, you'll be OK.

This said, some of the points are accurate and useful. Indeed, a woman who fights may well discourage an attacker enough to stop an attack, but that's usually true only if it's early in an abduction attempt and still in public. CONTEXT is everything in situations of victimization.

The big question people want answered is: "Should I resist or comply?" Well, sometimes one or the other, and sometimes neither, and sometimes both strategies are best.

There are times when a woman complies while waiting for the best opportunity to resist. There are times when a woman wisely resists as a test - but then complies if injury appears likely.

For example, an attacker who has long coveted a particular victim (the teenage girl next door) and who has planned his attack and location to afford privacy, and who is known to his target - he might fight her right to the death.

Readers hunger for this type of 3-paragraph checklist, because it is simple and it addresses anxiety, but checklists have been around forever and have helped some people while hurting some others. They are, in effect, PRESCRIPTIONS WITHOUT DIAGNOSIS.

A prescription that works for some may be toxic to others. I find the following approach to education more helpful: FOCUS ON CONTEXT - on the two factors that are absolutely always present and apply to every situation, because they are foundational to the very architecture of this kind of victimization: PRIVACY and CONTROL.

The man who will attempt to molest a girl or woman needs an environment in which that's possible. He needs to get her to a place where there is nobody nearby who will hear her if she resists loudly or calls for help (PRIVACY). His other option is to get her in a frame of mind where she doesn't resist loudly or call for help (CONTROL).


Accordingly, there are times and places where wariness is called for, i.e., times of vulnerability. There are times and places where wariness is wasted, i.e., times when targets are not vulnerable. Dangerous men are only dangerous if they can get you somewhere. They are not dangerous on the dance floor, in the restaurant, in the crowded mall. That may be where they meet you, but it's not where they'd try to hurt you.

Do such men actually plot their opportunities? Often, they do, but there is also a type of sexual offender who is on autopilot, operating out of a second nature, an intuitive skill at knowing how to gain control. The good news is that just as he knows when a given environment serves his plans, so can his target intuitively and automatically observe, "I am at a disadvantage here."

Since much of what I've said about the nature of men is anything but PC - as in politically correct- I'll borrow the acronym from that tired phrase to characterize the contexts in which young women (and women in general) can recognize their disadvantage:

PC will now stand for Privacy and Control. If a man who intends sexual assault or rape has Privacy and Control, he can victimize someone. If he does not have PC, he is not dangerous, period.

Accordingly, just the presence of these two features in a situation can trigger a young woman's heightened awareness and readiness. The presence of Privacy does not mean a man is sinister, but it does mean a woman is vulnerable. At that point, she'll benefit from carefully evaluating how the man got Privacy: Was it by circumstance or by his design? Privacy is defined here as isolation or concealment.

A private place is one in which there is little or no chance that a third party will suddenly show up, a place that is out of range of the hearing of people who could assist the young woman.

Cars, hotel rooms, apartments, houses, closed businesses, wilderness areas, the auditorium after hours, back corridors at work, a remote parking face area - these all can afford Privacy.

The word Control defines a relationship between two people, in this case between a victimizer and his target. Control exists when one person is persuaded or compelled to be directed by the other.

Control can exist when a young woman feels persuaded to do what a man wants because she fears being injured if she resists, or because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, or because she doesn't want him to hurt her reputation, or because she wants to avoid rejection.

Don't think of persuasion as something someone does to us; persuasion is an internal process, not an external one. We persuade ourselves.

A predator merely manipulates how things seem to us. Whatever the method, persuasion requires the participation of the target, and human beings are the creatures who most cooperate with their predators.

By contrast, the lion has a more difficult predatory challenge than does the man who would rape a teenager. The lion, after all, must walk around in a lion suit; he is burdened by the obviousness of the very assets that give him power (claws, teeth, muscle). Hunting would be easy if the lion could look like a timid kitten when it served him.

Man can. Some men with sinister intent seek control through physical power. Because the target's resistance might be noisy, the power-predator requires more privacy. He cannot retreat easily because there comes a point where there is no ambiguity about his intent. He commits to likely consequences in ways that most persuasion-predators do not.

The power-predator needs more privacy, more space, more time, more recklessness, and more luck in order to get what he wants. Thus, the power-predator is more rare than the persuasion-predator, but also more likely to do serious injury.

The persuasion-predator gets a target to cooperate and is thus granted much more flexibility when it comes to privacy. This man can use a room in the girl's home, even if family members are somewhere in the house. For him, Privacy can be adequately afforded by a room at work that people don't frequent, even if the business is open. For him, a few empty seats in a theater can offer enough concealment to sexually abuse a teenager.

Accordingly, the teenage girl who can be easily persuaded appeals to a far wider group of predators and is more likely to be sexually assaulted than a teenage girl who cannot be easily persuaded.

Note that I've been using the word target rather than the word victim. That's because being a target need not automatically make one a victim. In fact, it's nearly impossible for a teenage girl to avoid being a target at some point, but it is very possible to avoid becoming a victim.

The best way to do that is by recognizing PC at the earliest possible moment, and if things feel uncomfortable (even if it is just the vulnerability itself that feels uncomfortable), taking steps to change the situation.

Of course, women and teenage girls will often be in private environments with men who have no sinister intent whatsoever. The driving instructor who takes your teenage daughter all over town is granted some PC opportunities, but if he is a good man, no problem. Still, it's appropriate for a teenage girl to recognize the P in PC if several turns take them to some remote area. Ideally, if this occurs, she'd be more alert for the introduction of Control.

Right when a man begins to introduce the P or the C is the defining moment when one can determine -virtually choose- whether to be a target or a victim. For example, as the driving instructor's directions take them out of populated areas, a girl might say: "I'd be more comfortable staying in the city," or "Please stay in familiar areas." If the man had sinister intent, this girl has just asserted in the clearest language that she will not be easily persuaded, thus his options for gaining control are limited to force or fear, and that requirement will exclude the overwhelming majority of predators.

PC is easy to memorize and recall because these concepts are already imbedded into the consciousness of human beings. When someone acts in a way that alarms a woman or teenage girl, she instantly and automatically evaluates PC. She intuitively weighs whether anyone might hear a call for help or whether someone might come along, and she measures what degree of control the predator might have over her.

The key -the trick if you will- is to recognize PC before someone alarms her, even in the absence of obvious sinister intent on the man's part.

The impala who finds itself alone with the lion doesn't wait to see how the carnivore will behave. The impala evaluates its options and resources all the while. Does this mean being in a constant state of alertness whenever a woman is in the presence of men? Absolutely not.

This is about being alone with a man in a situation in which she is vulnerable. And then, a recognition of PC might be no more than a passing thought that opens her intuition about this man. If she feels at ease with her boss at the restaurant even though there are no customers around, fine.

But being cognizant of PC means she'll sooner recognize the slightest inappropriate comment or unusual behavior, like locking the front door before closing time.

[Gene DeMambro]

We need a "grain of salt" icon....

Here's a link that refutes the first part of Van-Sensei's second posting.

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/rape.htm

Gene

[Van Canna]

Very sobering, Gene, thank you.

*In a general sense, rapists fall into three motivational types: anger, power, and sadism. In anger assaults, the rapist is getting even for "some wrong he feels has been done to him, by life, by his victim at the time. He's in a frame of rage and attacks someone sexually." The anger rape is usually unpremeditated and impulsive, but the impulse drives the rapist into excessive force: the victim is punched, choked, and kicked into submission. Most such offenders derive little pleasure from the act, says Groth, but "they want to degrade their victims, and sex is something bad, dirty, the worst thing you could do to someone. That reflects a lot of our values in society."


*An anger rapist could be discouraged by a potential victim who yells at him or puts up a physical struggle, thanks to the unpremeditated nature of the attack. Because the aggressor may not yet have fully decided to pursue this course of action, resistance may well change his mind. Here, even a half-hearted attempt might prove to be all it takes to end the assault. On the other hand, the rage the attacker is feeling might well be further fed by active resistance -- this could be taken as yet another instance of one more person trying to deny him something he wants.


*Power rape, according to Groth, is a form of compensation, committed usually by men who feel unsure of their competence. Rape gives them a sense of mastery and control. Power rapists usually hunt for a victim or seize an opportunity that presents itself unbidden. A power rapist is unlikely to be discouraged by resistance because his whole self-image is wrapped up in his attempt to prove mastery. A woman who chooses to fight one of these had better do a darned good job of it, because she could well end up fighting for her life.


*Groth defines his third type, sadistic rape, as eroticized aggression perpetrated by those whom the very act of forcible sex excites in ways that consensual sex can't. "If the anger components of aggression are eroticized," he explains, "then you see sadistic acts, such as deliberate sexual torture, using an instrument to rape the victim." A sadistic rapist is interested in inflicting pain and lasting harm. Any countering aggression on the part of the victim could well add to the attacker's enjoyment of the experience, prompting him to further acts of depravity in an effort to provoke further resistance.

One of the rape cases I investigated, involved a rapist entering the unlocked bedroom window of a woman living alone in a Back Bay apartment, making his way up a fire escape. The woman awakened suddenly to find the rapist masturbating over the photo, on the night table, of the woman and her boy friend. He then told her he was going to rape her repeatedly. The woman told him she was dying of cancer..His reply was that then she would appreciate “this experience” before she left this world. She was then raped seven times, and badly beaten, but left alive. He told at the beginning that he had a knife. At trial she testified she had been frozen into immobility out of fear, but she made it alive.
In your view, in what category should we put this rapist?


*The question of to fight back or not is an age-old one, and there's no one right answer. Granted, one particular rapist might be sent running bloody-nosed by a swift right hook, but try that on another one and a horrific experience could be transformed into a fatal one. Resistance advice of the type being circulated in the e-mail in question creates the false impression that escaping unscathed from the clutches of a rapist is only a matter of knowing which self-defense tricks to employ. Reality, however, is far different. Not all rapists can be overcome.


*Does this then mean self-defense classes are a waste of time? Hardly. But they're also not the surefire protection they're too often touted to be, any more than a can of mace confers upon its wielder guaranteed safe passage through whatever mean streets and dark alleys lie in her path. Also, physical skills are only as good as recent training -- someone who hasn't practiced a move in the three months since she took a course is only a tadge better prepared to fend off an attacker than someone who never had any training at all. Worst of all, such training can lead those who have aced their courses to develop a dangerous complacency about their own safety, inducing them into a state of overconfidence wherein awareness of their surroundings becomes a lost art, buried under the certainty that now bad things can't happen to them.

[Dana Sheets]

Tons of great information in this thread. And stuff to be re-read. And at a base level and I'm simply saddened and sickened by the act of rape.

I hope lots of people are reading, re-reading and sharing this thread with women they know.

The only comment I have is with Gavin's statement that fighting back might be a bad idea -- which he later qualifies by saying that there is no right answer for every situation. I just don't want most women to think that most situations call for passivity. In fact, few do. Passive implies you're not making a choice. If you choose to sit still - know that you're choosing it - so that the moment when action is necessary - you will be able to explode out at your attacker.

Dana

[IJ]

Good thread. I would only qualify it to say that this is specifically a stranger rape thread. All of the lessons offered by the various experts linked to here seem to consider all rapes assaults coming out of the blue. Of course, the majority come from people the victim knows. I would agree with one author that complacency (and ignorance) kill (or lead to rape.)

[Dana Sheets]

Ian - you've got a good point. Though unfortunately if someone has "snapped" they may become the stranger who rapes someone they know.

Stranger rape gets the most press because its randomness makes it more frightening to people --- strange that folks fear the lower percentage acts the most. Date rape has unique dynamics as does rape within a marriage - so many variables, some understanding of the human mind, and few clear suggestions for women.

Sometimes you do want there to be one right answer...but that just isn't possible on this topic.

[Halford]

WORLD! There are rapes happening in India on an hourly basis, perhaps 80 a day elsewhere. I can't recall the exact figures I heard on this while listening to a radio report on such.In the US contrary to statistical reports rape is on the increase and more women are being abducted and killed. Of course, those who put their heads in the sand deny such and claim it is only high profile cases that make the papers,which is true, but there are low-profile ones,sandwiched in between the big spreads, if you take the time to look. Home invasions also include rape as I have mentioned in other forums,etc. In truth, no woman is safe! And, here's the good news: rapists are being rehabilitated so they can go out and rape again after serving their sentences and guess what? They sometimes do the same thing again and this time kill the victim(s). Gang rapes are another thing that most of us tend to overlook and deny, but they happen all over the world, on a daily basis. Some, as you should know, have been state-sponsored programs of mass rape. And let's not forget the paedophiles(spelling?) who are,in essence, rapists. Have a great day!

[Dana Sheets]

It's true that rape seems to be a part of the universal human experience and seems to happen for many different reasons. My personal opinion that very little money and time is spent educating women about acquaintence rape and rape within marriage/long term relationships. No one wants to fund the "signs that your husband is going to rape you" informational campaign. No one wants to fund the "signs the cashier at the Walmart might rape you" informational campaign. So women are left without good, documented information on what they should look out for. Those women who have the courage to seek out this information must spend dollars buying books or going to seminars.

[Halford]

It is true that date-rape,acquaintence rape, relative rape,etc. is more apt to be found in the US than elsewhere for several reasons. One, is that the cultural norms, mores, etc. have been eroded and extended family ties-safeguards,etc. also eroded( and I'm talking rape not incest, which is somewhat related but slightly different). Rape happens in societies and cultures that are both open and liberal(anything goes-type) and in very strict,religious ones as well. Sexuality is,of course, the second most powerful human drive, the first being hunger. The ancients who were most wise, namely those in the Hindu-Vedic traditions, along with yoga,etc. realized this: that humans in proximity to each other will have sexuality expressed in some way no matter what! They also listed several things to perhaps control or manipulate or channel this urge, this drive, this force,etc. Of course, modern/contemporary man tends to dismiss such things rather readily, calling them superstitious-religious nonsense,etc. Another factor running or rather that sometimes has bearing on rape is that once a woman has been raped, she is damaged goods, and also' ripe for plucking' which means that in some instances of gang rape,especially by authoritarian figures, like the police and the military, the victim(s) is 'fair game' and one more time won't bring her back to a pre-rape state,etc. I know this may sound far-fetched but that mentality is widespread around the world. Well, this is enough for now. Thanks for your time. Halford

[Dana Sheets]

The use of rape camps used to ensure civil compliance by some regimes is really depressing and shows how far we still have to go in elevating the status of women around the world. I mean honestly - a rape camp - how cruel is the heart that conceives and condones this kind of action?

I'm going to go dig around on the web for a bit and see if I can come up with any stats worth posting.

Dana

[IJ]

I'm not sure that nonstranger rape is more common in the US, or that value erosion is contributing. At the same time "values" are being eroded, this society is making a lot of strides in individual rights. There used to be no concept of raping your wife; she was, at one point, property, and couldn't refuse. That was the case in the US well into the 20th century, and it continues in some people's minds to this day, and is well established in other cultures. There are still a lot of cultural systems where young people are handed off in arranged marriages and can't control when or how they have sex. I wouldn't single out the US as worse unless we had some reliable stats to show otherwise.

That said, it's overall a good world, and especially country. While it's true in some respects that "any woman is at risk," that risk can be made quite small without totally rearranging most people's lives. There may be bad marriages/relkationshisp that are hard to leave / poverty / cultural barriers in place, but most women in this country have little to fear from rape. The same goes for murders and home invasions and the like in most places. While there may be 80 a minute or whatever the number truly is, there's also 6 billion people out there and >250 million in the states that are spreading those things out--pretty far spread out. Not downplaying the problem, but it's not as if we live in a war zone. We can be thankful for that--many people don't have that luxury.

[Dana Sheets]

Well, if less than 50% of women getting raped is acceptable (most) and provides for safe and happy living then there's really no point in continuing the discussion.

However I find the idea that 1 in 20 women are getting raped of sexually assulted - to be a difficult and disturbing numbers. Most women may not get raped, but there's enough women getting raped that it's still indicative of
of the need to more change.

"We're doing better" is usually the rallying cry of the apathetic or those tired of fighting for social justice. "Better" is not acceptable to me.

I'm surprised a bit by your post Ian. Vigilance is one of the most powerful weapons in keeping a downward trend in rape from turning back upwards. With vigilance we will increase education and outreach, maintain transparency of the flaws in the reporting system, and continue to advance the status of women in this country and around the world despite cultural, language, and monetary barriers.

[IJ]

I'm not implying our vigilance should be eroded or that even 1 rape is acceptable, and my posts over time support that stance. I've been one of the more vocal advocates of women's equality and for respect for women here and elsewhere that I know of... what I'm saying is that after women learn the facts, they don't need to be terrorized by them. Trust me, I'm the one who emphasized sexual assault avoidance and management as a primary point in my Uechi class at UVA when it previously hadn't been addressed or was primarily addressed in a "square off with the stranger rapist," mode... the one with the sexual assault resources numbers written down on a card harrassing the people in the ER who don't screen for abuse even when women come in with injuries and don't know what the resources are or how best to offer them... the one who referred a speak in spousal abuse at our hospital to some important new publications she was unaware of... and probably at the fringe of prowomen politics on this site even amidst the XX crowd.

My point is only this... allowing ourselves to live in an imagined warzone, or to believe that a rape is an inherently mammoth, catastrophic event for a woman and not one she can expect to beat with some help, furthers the aim of the rapists. They, in part, want women to live in fear and a sense of subjugation. Fear out of proportion to the risk is only a victory on their part.

[Dana Sheets]

Hi Ian,

Thanks for clairifying. Which is why I asked. Your staunch support of women's and victim's rights, and how you clearly express your views is something I appreciate.

It is hard sometimes to revisit topics again and again and not think that we, as many forms of media are often accused, are contributing to the enviroment of fear. That by representing extreme events we are painting a bleak and dangerous picture of life. I once asked Van and Panther the same thing on a thread on one of their forums' - and one of them answered that so many folks live in complete ignorance that sometimes it takes folks shouting too loudly for the message to get through.

I don't walk down the street everyday and worry about getting raped, or mugged, or assulted, or killed by terrorists. I do walk down the street everyday and try to be aware, fully present, and open to acknowledging what is going on around me.

Your point is well taken that we cannot live life in peril. We have too little time for that, and there is so much to see, learn, and enjoy.

Wishing light for all on this, the longest night of dark.

Dana