He ***** no more!

[Bill Glasheen]

A handful of people have had the opportunity to meet my #1 son. Both my sons are indeed life-affirming events. I cannot imagine existing without them.

It was always my dream to pass on what I learned in life, but with the idea that my sons must ultimately forge their own paths. This is why there will never be a "Bill Jr." (much to the shock of my in-laws). I will not curse them so!

But still... Each of us has picked up a few special things in this life. Sometimes we can share it with the next generation, providing we don't ruin it for them by force feeding.

Getting number 1 son involved in karate has been an adventure to say the least. It started quite by accident. When he was 2, I got a call from daycare demanding I stop teaching him karate. What??? I was told he was booting kids in the butt while yelling "KICK!!!"

Number 1 son often came with me to the dojo. I would burp him while watching sanchins. Several students had the pleasure of performing kata with a toddler racing a truck around their legs. Apparently he was watching me urge people on as they kicked the shield I was holding. Not only did he learn to count to ten in Japanese first, but apparently he learned to do a front kick before a formal lesson. I told George, and asked him what he thought. George said "Buy him a gi and have him bow in!" That was the start...

But the road hasn't been easy, and I've been reluctant to push hard. Some of dad is in this young man, but so is some of mom. Dad has rhythm; mom has strength. Both parents ran track. But while dad played baseball, mom did bodybuilding. Dad loved coordinated movement; mom was best in a static pose.

I often used to say that karate was better for my son than my son was for karate. But how much of that was true? How difficult it is to be parent and teacher. How difficult it is to have high expectations but unbounded love. And of course my son is whom he is. Progress is best described by Steven J. Gould's description of evolution - long periods of equilibrium punctuated by brief spurts of progress.

I have my critics. I do not teach professionally, so I've never felt I owe anything to anyone on the promotional front. While I don't mind "the slow approach" for many "average" students, it bugs some. Are my standards too high? Too low? Am I hardest on those I care the most for? It's a constant struggle.

It was really tough for number one son this spring. He wasn't doing the work. He hadn't progressed. I knew it. Some thought I should promote him for just doing the time. I did not. He felt it was time to get his next rank. Instead, I let him test and fail. I especially caught flack at home. Sigh...

A dear friend even told me after camp that he told her "I ****** at karate." She sent me a kind note, and gave some wonderful advice. I think perhaps she and others actually nudged the boy a bit - in their own special ways.

When progress happens, it is wonderful. I can remember hearing 2 years of whining about how a knuckle pushup hurt. He refused to do it. Then one day he just went up on those knuckles. Two classes later - at the age of 7, he was doing adult pushups on them, and then putting all his weight on the two knuckles of one fist. You just couldn't shut him up!

It happened again. Two people witnessed it. After "sucking" at his last test, he performed a beautiful kanshiwa and kanshu. It happened one week before his 10th birthday.

The progress was coming, and several knew it. With his birthday was coming up, Rich - his godfather - brought in an orange belt. He dangled it in front of him. Funny...the thought had occurred to me to test him that day. Three of us worked, and worked, and worked...

It was a thing of beauty.

I won't mind if he plateaus a bit for a while now, as long as he enjoys the new view.

- Bill

[gmattson]

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GEM

[f.Channell]

Bill Sensei,
As a teacher of my own two daughters 7 and 10 I understand a lot of what you wrote.
Instructing them in Karate can be difficult.
Watching them lose a sparring match can be tough, frustration at them not getting a move in a kata is awful.
Standing by in Judo while they get pinned for the full 25 seconds in competition has to be ten times worse than watching their soccer team lose.
Not to mention the wife wondering if they are becoming too "tom boyish".
I often worry that no one will ask them to the prom someday as a number of boys in their class have been flattened on the mat by them, with a shocked look to their parents.
But the quality of the time spent with them in their vanishing all too quickly youth is priceless and worth the payoff.
Someday perhaps at their dan test, when I shed a tear, someone will understand why.
f.

[Kunoichi]

Having twin girls who struggled down the path to black belt, I know the frustration a parent can feel. I was lucky to be able to leave the girls in the capable hands of the likes of Buzz Durkin, Tracy Rose, Stephen Perry and Gary Khoury. I am forever grateful for their unending patience - when mine had worn thin!

Camp 2002 was filled with so many exciting elements, yet one of the most pleasant pastimes was to kick back and watch the men of Uechi doing what few American men manage -to nurture their children! Watching “Mini Me” Chad Glasheen’s little legs struggle to keep up all day with the lanky strides of his father was touching. And how many at the Master’s Test observed warrior Tracy Rose pausing to glance up into the stands of the auditorium and make eye contact with his oldest son - giving him the high sign before going out to do his sanchin for the test board?

These children are blessed with exemplary fathers and these are the moments and memories that will shape their character. Good job Dads!

[Ted Dinwiddie]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>

It was really tough for number one son this spring. He wasn't doing the work. He hadn't progressed. I knew it. Some thought I should promote him for just doing the time. I did not. He felt it was time to get his next rank. Instead, I let him test and fail. I especially caught flack at home. Sigh...

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Allowing your son to fail when he should fail is good. Raising him in an environment of love and support and letting him fight his own battles from a good foundation is the best thing you can do for him. He has to do it himself, but he can always get advice, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, and a little kick in the butt when he needs it. We all need these things. That's what a good dojo/family is all about.

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ted

"I learn by going where I have to go." - Theodore Roethke

[Brett]

My daughters quit right before their first ranking. They were so bored with basics and the rigid structure of the first Kata that they would only half heartedly go through the motions. I couldn't force them do do it because it was free and they were distracting to other serious students. Now my youngest (8) will watch me go through my Kata and Kimute and have me show her some things. She still does not want to be taught but when she comes to me wanting a little bit of instruction I give it hoping to spark more interest. One day maybe.

[Bill Glasheen]

I think it's clear that kids need a different format from an adult class. But you need to get a critical mass of kids to do that.

My sons just happen to go with me to wherever I am going when I can manage it. I would even take my oldest to "the band shed" to watch a friend's band practice, and to private parties. So it was easier for him to go through a more rigid and detailed adult format. But that's really not the norm.

When I've had a decent classful of kids, I'd spend as much time playing coordination games as I would teaching karate. In fact, I often started class letting them play games of tag. As long as their motor skills were being improved, I figured I was on the right track.

- Bill

[Ted Dinwiddie]

I agree with you Bill, but some parents have very unrealistic expectations. As a ski instructor it was amazing to be given a 4-year-old for an hour, only to have the parents question you about the child's inability to join them on the advanced trail after the lesson.

I seem to remember reading somewhere that "traditionally" karate training was ideally begun at the beginning of adolescence.

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ted

"I learn by going where I have to go." - Theodore Roethke

[Kunoichi]

Ok. Sticking my two cents in again. Hopefully some of this will help you guide the Uechika of the future.

Knuckle push ups: Save them for the grown up classes. The pain discourages most children and the experts warn that it can damage tender epiphysial plates - the growth plates in their hands. Karate shouldn't hurt children. Same with stretching. Rule # 1 - it shouldn't hurt. Rule # 2 - it shouldn't hurt. Rule # 3 - it shouldn't hurt. Encourage the children to challenge themselves. Make it a fun game. "Who has a stretch as good as Sponge Bob Square Pants?"

Bored with the basics? Shame on you instructor. My mother used to say, "Boredom is the sign of a lazy mind." In this case it's your mind. Boredom with the basics indicates you are not doing your job in disguising repetition. Use your imagination and run wild with this stuff.

Parents expectations? While you are addressing the children, really be speaking to the parents so they can see there is a method to your madness, a purpose to the games. For instance we used to play the "memory" game. "Why do you need a good memory? So you can remember your katas in tournaments and tests! Where else do you need a good memory? In school. That's right. So you can go to college, get a good job and take care of Mom and Dad in their old age!"

Set your expectations realistically and focus on the good in children and you will find they rise to the occasion!

[Bill Glasheen]

Kunoichi

Thanks for your comment. Since this is such a great comment - but off topic - I have decided to create a new thread just on this.

Children and conditioning

Good job, Kunoichi. We need people like you bringing important issues like this to our attention.

- Bill

[Mary Chant]

Regarding f.channell's statement:

"I often worry that no one will ask them to the prom someday as a number of boys in their class have been flattened on the mat by them, with a shocked look to their parents."

I did not go to prom but had an absolutely beautiful wedding to a man who loves, respects and totally supports my interest in the martial arts. In addition, he is totally secure with himself and is not in any way intimidated by what I do. Your daughters may well be saving a lot of time and energy by not having to wade through men whose sense of self and concept of security are determined by how vulnerable and needy they deem their mates.

[Bill Glasheen]

Picture a standing ovation...

- Bill

[chef]

In honor of Chad:
I have had the privilege of teaching Chad in class and have seen his wonderous expression when he 'gets it'. I am so very proud to see him starting to get that great 'Glasheen' focus. I know how difficult it is teaching your children karate. All three of mine have taken class...the first two in Wado-ryu with their father and the last girl with me in Uechi. I have been a school teacher for many years and nothing is harder than teaching your own. They have difficulty taking instruction to one who is alway telling them what to do. The ultimate embarassment is to be corrected by a parent in front of other and let's face it, you are always a parent (whether in the dojo or at home). It is one hard job. If find that my daughter seemed to learn so much better from someone other than me. My kudos go to you Bill. Keep plugging at it, it's paying off.... and to Chad, AWESOME JOB and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Vicki

[Harvey]

About a year ago, I had a long discussion with Calvin Chin on this very topic. He was saying that often, masters try to help their children progress faster by giving them "inside tips," even though the masters know that there are no short cuts, that it is necessary to work up to each level.

Calvin then quickly jumped to an important generalization. Many parents do the same thing with regard to the family business. The parents work really hard to understand and build a business, then they promote their children without making them go through similar experience. I can think of several companies that paid a high price for this kind of love, including Wang and IBM, 15 years ago.

Of course, there is an advantage to being on the inside, but an advantage is not a guarantee of success. And sometimes, children turn to a different art or business for fulfillment because they know instinctively that it is important to progress on their own.

[crazycat]

Nice post Bill, its makes for good reading for those who are going through or have been through this with someone so close to them.

Maybe it was the program or laziness that pushed my #1 son to the wayside just before testing for 1st dan. He takes his driving liecense test today. #2 son made green and doesn't care to work, he'd rather stay home and do video games, rassell and punch Dad, showing dad that he needs more kung-fu (hard work).

I'm happy if they are...

[This message has been edited by crazycat (edited August 29, 2002).]